FAKE RECAP: NUCKS LOSE FAKE GAME 4-1

It’s been a strange few months. A global pandemic can do that. A money-bleeding sports league can make it even stranger by playing a winter sport in the freaking summer.

I couldn’t make this shit up. And I make lots of shit up. But this? Ghost Hockey Playoffs with fake crowd noise in the hot heart of summer? Nah....

Anyhow... we at NM have ramped up our fake excitement for the fake game of the night. An exhibition series. One game exhibition series, because it’s freaking summer and the ice isn’t getting any better.

Sure... it’s great to see the Nucks pick up where they left off. 18 months ago. Turnovers. Get your fresh hot summer turnovers! With free McSofties in every game!

Defence wins championships. Offence wins headlines. Connor Hellebuyck wins games. Against the Nucks. All of them. Even the fake ones.

Thanks for fake reading.

It’s been months and months of lockdown. You can feel the tension in the building. If you were in the building. Which you weren’t. Because... lockout.

Funny. Last autumn, many were worried about a league lockout. No one was afraid of a fan lockout. And yet, the fan-less ROG of dEdmonton is the empty rink of choice to play for an empty Cup.

Strange times indeed.

1st Period

From the drop of the puck in the vast emptiness that is known as Poolman’s Paradise, something felt off. The first being who the hell nicknamed Roger’s Place, Poolman’s Paradise?

I have no idea either. Except the Poolman who scored the only goal of the 1st. In case you’ve forgotten, I have, Poolman doesn’t play for the Nucks. Which means the Poolman of Portage and Main, has spotted the Jets’ lead.

The 2nd thing that felt off was the world’s best powerplay that played in the Nucks fake pre-mid- post-season training camp, was more reminiscent of last season’s Nucks PP.

Vancouver fakeoutshot WinterSummerpeg 12-8 and fake-trail 1-0 after 1.

That’s not so bad.

Or is it?

Takeaways from 20 minutes

first two lines look like they want to score, but just can’t remember how to put the puck into the net.

Third line can dig the puck out but not shoot very well.

Fourth line – meh - Westy

2nd Period

Traditionally, 2nd periods have not been good to the Nucks. But this is a Nucks team with a full healthy roster. Doesn’t matter.

This is the cruellest period of the game. How cruel?

Let’s consult the fake NM game thread.

I always hate

when a 6’6 Marky makes himself 3’3 in the net - Westy

and...

I had my first

“Fuck Edler” after that turnover - Westy

and

WTF

Look, pass, move FFS - Chicky

and... it’s 3 fake goals for the Jets and 0 fake goals for our ghost hockey heroes.

The fake opponent out fake shot the Nucks 12-11 in the 2nd. I can feel your fake excitement. At a fake social distance.

2nd period over

much like the Canucks in this game.

Jets aren’t playing well, but are better in transition. Canucks make Hellebuyck look like a Vezina candidate…..wait a minute - Westy

3rd Period

This period is all about redemption. The fully rested Nucky roster finally wake up and hear the fake crowd roars - the roars that they couldn’t hear, because this a full contact scrimmage for TV revenue purposes.

Doesn’t matter.

What matters is the Nucks comeback tie and win the game in fake OT.

That doesn’t matter as much as getting one freaking puck past Hellebuyck. Just one.

Then... we can hope for two or three. Fake hope, of course, because this game is all about... uh... TV revenue.

At least our greasy fake hopes were rewarded with a greasy Roosy goal. Yay!

Beating Hellebuyck just once is just as good as beating him 5 times. In a meaningless game.

The Nucks keep the pressure on and pull Marky with 3 mins to go. Sure... Trav pulls Marky in a period when he doesn’t allow a goal. Makes sense from a strategic tactical thingie.

Of course, the Jets get the EN to end the fake game like it started - an exhibition of meaninglessness TV revenue.

Oh well... the real march into the fake playoffs begins on Sunday.

Fake video recap - with especially fake HNIC commentary. Enjoy the fake goal horn’s poor car alarm motif. Would it have broken the NHL’s brain trust to think about using each team’s goal horn? Yes, it would. At least we’re spared the BJ’s fake cannon. But still... someone get our fog horn over the Rockies and inland stat.

GAME STATS (It’s ok - they don’t mean a thing)

	SOG	FO%	PP	PIM	HITS	BLKS	GVA
Canucks VAN	38	57%	0/2	4	10	9	9
Jets WPG	34	43%	0/2	4	10	12	14

TEAM STATS (they’re fake stats too)

The most exciting thing after a loss, even the meaningless ones, is the presser.

Oh... wait... they’re fake pressers now too. Let’s Zoom right in...

If you had troubles reading lips... Trav said this...

Welcome to the brave new fake world of summer NHL Playoff Ghost Hockey.

The Nucks looked a little rusty. The game thread was a little rusty - despite months off to perfect their drinking and typing. And more concerning, my recap rust has a deep bronze summer tan.

Hope the Nucks and NM can raise our game to the lofty heights of NHL TV-only-revenue playoff-style hockey.

I didn’t miss the fans in the stands - but it is Edmonton, so rarely miss them. However, as this #EmbraceTheFake series continues, will miss the ROG racket if the Nucks go on a run.

Have a great long weekend - don’t spoil it by sitting inside watching the NHL TV-only hockey marathon. There’s only one game that counts. And the one after that. And the other one after that.