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Vancouver Canucks Twilight Zone: #ShotgunJake fulfills the prophecy

It was the moment all of Vancouver was waiting for.

New York Islanders v Vancouver Canucks
MARCH 10: Jake Virtanen #18 of the Vancouver Canucks walks to the Canucks dressing room before their NHL game at Rogers Arena March 10, 2020 in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.
Photo by Jeff Vinnick/NHLI via Getty Images

We all miss hockey at the moment. We’re all anxious not knowing when this will all be ending.

But what if the Canucks were still playing hockey games? What if the word “coronavirus” was just some bad joke your buddy came up with after a few too many cerveza’s in Mexico?

That’s where I come in. I’m going to be taking you through an alternate reality, a simpler timeline where our biggest concern was whether Brock Boeser was going to play in the top six.

*Disclaimer: On behalf of Nucks Misconduct, I want to officially have it on the record that we are an Anti-COVID-19 blog. This is an official declaration from myself, Nick Bondi, the head of the Nucks Misconduct Pandemic Response Panel.*

The Canucks are hanging on by a thread to a playoff spot.

After going 2-2 since that shootout win against Vegas on March 23rd, they’re in the first Wild Card Spot. And after the team resoundingly rejected my idea to use my meniscus for Jacob Markstrom, the team is probably going to be without him for the foreseeable future.

But sensing the collective despair in the fanbase, Jake Virtanen did the damn thing against Anaheim at home — he scored his 20th goal of the season, sending the Lower Mainland into a drunken stupor.

“It was awesome,” said Jake Virtanen after thee 5-1 win over the hapless Ducks. “I didn’t want to do it with cameras on me on the ice, but I actually shotgunned a beer in between periods to celebrate. Brock threw me a Bud Light and I just crushed that thing.”

Fans in the stands were celebrating as well. Rogers Arena actually had to suspend liquor sales early to prevent a mass drunk mob from ruining the game, much to the chagrin of Francesco Aquilini was was surely looking forward to the eight dollar markup of Budweiser.

Virtanen played 5 minutes in the third period presumably with a buzz on, laying out a big hit against Ryan Getzlaf. He was hunched over afterwards, and now we possibly know why.

Two games are left for the Canucks — a road game against Arizona and the final against Vegas. If they can’t win at least one of those games, let’s all remember this amazing moment from the season. From crushing Cactus Club appetizers over the summer to making fans crush beer during the regular season, Jake Virtanen has cemented himself as a folk hero to Canucks fans for years to come.

Editors note: Listen to the latest episode of Power Of The Towel! Host Nick Bondi breaks down why the 2010-11 season from Ryan Kesler was so special and goes over one of his favourite classic rock albums.