The final case for the SBN Unit was more complicated than we ever could have imagined. Two franchises that are at best a hard sell for fans of the Canucks, so much so though that it became difficult to find attorneys to represent them. Even foes recently done wrong wanted nothing to do with the case. We were able to find an attorney to take Colorado’s case against San Jose, a lawyer named Michael Lloyd of the firm Jewels From The Crown. It began to look like San Jose would not have a representative, something that would clearly make the choice easy. And then we received a note from one of our bailiffs...
Judge Basky: Now, Mr Lloyd is representing the Avalanche, and I have a note here that says the San Jose attorney has been located. Bailiff, do you know this attorney?
Bailiff Connors: Yes, your honour. He’s my son.
Judge Basky: Your son. Right. And how old is this son of yours?
Bailiff Connors: He’s 7, your honour. (click)
Judge Basky: 7... wow. Well, what the hell. I’ll allow it. (click)
Evan Connors is the son of ‘Bailiff’ Trevor Connors, and when he heard of the situation that left no one to defend San Jose, this 7 year old Sharks fan petitioned the court for a chance to try and convince the jury to cheer for his favorite team. Besides, could you say no this face?
The pint-sized barrister approaches the bench and begins his defence:
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Top 10 Reasons you SHOULDN’T cheer for the Colorado Avalanche:
1. If you cheer for the Colorado Avalanche you are so dumb.
2. If you’re cheering for the Colorado Avalanche we will put you in jail.
3. The Sharks are gonna win.
4. If you cheer for the Avalanche we will slap you in the butt.
5. If you’re cheering for the Colorado Avalanche I will blindfold you forever.
6. The Sharks have better players. The Sharks have Erik Karlsson.
7. The Sharks have the best team in the NHL.
8. The Avalanche have a dumb logo, but it’s true that the Capitals have a dumber one.
9. The Colorado Avalanche will poop their pants. All of them.
10. If you ARE the Colorado Avalanche then we will shoot you with a gun in the eyeball.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think the above list speaks for itself. I rest my case. (click)
Judge Basky: I will instruct the jury to disregard #10. As we learned in the Ralphie Parker vs Red Ryder BB Gun Co. decision, shooting anyone’s eye out is a very serious matter.
After waiting for the courtroom to calm down (mostly because people were taking selfies with Evan and a couple little old ladies came over to pinch his cheeks, the Judge asked for Mr. Lloyd to make the case for the Avalanche.
Your honour, and members of the jury:
I’ve meet with the team (my daughter and son – the braintrust behind the Perspectives from the Cheap Seats on Jewels From The Crown) and we think the best strategy for educating a fan base about not rooting for the Sharks is to look within and you’ll find you have an open and shut case.
The Canucks are very much like our beloved Kings prior to the two Stanley Cup championships. Expansion teams who couldn’t pull off the big win. We had our 1993 Cup failure and you had your 2011. Now your fan base is thinking about cheering for a division rival? The Sharks no less? How can than be smart? It can’t and here’s why:
You want a Pacific Division team to win their first Stanley Cup before you do? I mean have some pride! When the Anaheim Ducks won a Cup in 2007, I gave up hockey for two years. Cold turkey. It disgusted me that they won a Cup before the Kings. Canucks fans should feel that same hatred towards the Sharks.
The Sharks are just like the Canucks only a younger franchise. They can’t pull off the big win. Sure they had a nice third period in their Vegas game 7, but that was against an obviously washed up Marc-Andre Fleury. I mean did you see those OT goals he gave up? All of this reminds me of an old joke: You know what they say about a San Jose Sharks car right? Don’t buy it, because it runs out of gas before May.
(hey-o!) (There’s a slight pause as bailiffs once again clear the drummer from the courtroom)
Do you want to hitch your wagon to a bunch of whiners and guys who want trophies without the hard work? Martin Jones? He’s a Stanley Cup winner? That glove of his is a joke. Remember all of the goalies that have donned a Canucks uniform and know in your heart that he will disappoint at all of the wrong times. Plus he’s a former Kings backup goalie once traded twice in one off-season. This is the smug guy you have strutting around with a Stanley Cup with his sub ;900 save percentage before one of your own? There are others too…
Erik Karlsson and Brent Burns don’t even play against the top lines, but they love to score. Maybe they should play forward instead. Plus the last time I checked, the Sharks have a pretty great up and coming D Corp. you want getting better press than the Sharks D. Also, if the Sharks win, EK65 is going to re-sign there and who wants that in the Pacific Divison.
What’s up with the playoff beards? Burns and dirty Jumbo Joe started growing theirs in 2003. That’s some serious bad karma. Circling back to the first point, seriously Vancouver Canucks fans: WAKE UP! If you allow the Sharks fans to get a Cup under their belt, they will never let you forget it. They will stroll into your building in their Logan Couture replica jerseys and remind you all game they won before you did. They will hold the Ace of Hearts in any argument. You can never hear the end of it until you win two Cups. Do you know how satisfying it is when Sharks and Ducks fans walk into Staples (or we walk into their buildings) and they start their Kings Smack and we can just hold up two fingers (ala Darryl Sutter) showing we have two Cups? The peace sign (two fingers) is the debate killer, the Valerian Steel of California Hockey arguments, the mother of all hockey bombs. Trust me, you don’t want the Sharks fans having that over you.
Now your Honour, I am sure you can take it from here and insert all of those clever memes and how the only way the Sharks make it to the big game is with Katy Perry at the Super Bowl or how they will hang banners just for making the playoffs. So, this is why NOT to cheer for the San Jose Sharks, in the playoffs, or ever. (click)
A pretty convincing argument, plus you have to give him credit: a lot of guys would hold back with an opponent that young, but this is television and it’s all about the ratings! With that, the jury heads off to the room with a couple pizzas, some grocery store brand soft drinks and a decision to make...
Juror #1: While I appreciate immaturity and juvenile behaviour as much as any unsupervised NM moron, the case presented against the Avs by the senior member of the Sharks junior legal abuse unit is full of butt-slapping bar-down-red-ass threats. The unlawful court of NM and its servants of jury doody do not respond well to threats. Unless Westy distils them in his rum-stained Aaron Rome jersey.
Notwithstanding how cute the Teal kid is, his only valid point works against his small case load. To wit in witless protection: “The Sharks have better players. The Sharks have Erik Karlsson.” For the noble purpose of just is, let’s assume that Erik is among the better players in the league. And let’s assume the Avs drown the Sharks hopes this round. This would likely result in Erik being free to choose a better team in July. Like ours. However, if the unthinkable occurs and the Sharks steal a Cup - then Karlsson is doomed to a life of stench in the tank - Swede skill suffocated by stinky grown men who know not how to bathe or shave.
As the one true Avs defender (from LA) has stated, there’s no reasonable or unreasonable way a Nucks fan would wish to see a school of sick fishes sip from the Grail before our noble Orcas have quenched our 50 years of thirst. It is for that single irrefutable fact that we must not fake cheer for a facetious fins win. Also... bonus satisfaction seeing old Joe retire without a Cup ring. If our Sedins could do it with dignity, then the old rooster molester can too. Without the dignity.
In playoff contusions, the only team we can pretend cheer for is our own Burnaby Joe’s team of rocky mountain high underdogs. Even if our own Burnaby Joe spurned us by not being our own Burnaby Joe and delivering Cup glory to his hometown when he had the chance.
Therefore, with undue consideration and probable dehydration, my vote, verdict or whoopdeedodo is for the Avs. And their stoopid logo.
Juror #2: “If you cheer for the Colorado Avalanche you are so dumb.” Many times in man’s history there has been simple advice that the world has ignored for various reasons. Being simple is often the argument itself. If it can’t be long-winded and full of evidence, then it surely can’t be true. But as you get older, you start to see the honesty and truth in simple advice. No wasted breath, no over thinking....just plain words that carry meaning.
”If you cheer for the Colorado Avalanche you are so dumb.” I can’t fight that simple advice. I didn’t need to read anything evidence. San Jose for the win.
Juror #3: I like cute kids. I like Erik Karlsson and Brent Burns, and I like Evander Kane a LOT more than Milan freaking Lucic. I like MacKinnon too, but someone from his hometown already has a cup or three. Too greedy for a small town, in my honest opinion.
I did bask in the glory of teasing my Quebecois friends when the Nordiques won their first Cup immediately after moving to Colorado, but that Schadenfreude has worn off, and it’s not the same team anymore.
In the coin toss of life, I feel like giving points for effort. Since the case against the Sharks was made with the help of BOTH a daughter AND a son, and had more (and bigger) words, I think it was more legalistically important. By a narrow margin: I say cheer for the Avs.
The jury returns from deliberations and hands the note to the bailiff who takes it to the Judge.
Judge Basky: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Juror #1: How are you with 2 outta 3?
Judge Basky: (pondering for a moment) I’ll allow it.
Juror #1: Awesome! Then we the jury find for the Colorado Avalanche.
Judge Basky: This court finds that the fans of the Canucks should cheer for the Colorado Avalanche, though this court would like to commend young Mr. Connors for his efforts. You’re a little scary, but I think that’s going to make you into an excellent lawyer, Evan. This case is dismissed.
We’d like to thank Micheal for stepping up and helping out when we were stuck, we truly appreciate it! Give him a follow on Twitter @marketingvip. And thank you to Trevor Connors and his son Evan for saving the day and providing some much needed levity. And to all of the writers from our SBN friends who took part in this: You rock! Thanks so much for indulging us this bit of goofiness!