LAW AND ORDER: SB NATION- THE CASE OF BOSTON VS COLUMBUS

In the NHL Playoffs, some fan bases don’t get to participate. Who will help these fans decide who to cheer for? The SBN Unit is looking out for them. This is their story. (click here)

The case before the court today, is to determine who Canucks fans should cheer for in the Second Round. The Boston Bruins are no strangers to authorities, or the Vancouver Canucks, and the jury was reminded to be impartial in their deliberations. The Columbus Blue Jackets are first time offenders, but are lead by a very familiar face. Sitting in on this trial is the Honorable Kent Basky, Head Judge of Nucks Misconduct. First, we hear from the Boston Bruins attorney, Dan Ryan of Stanley Cup Of Chowder:

Ladies and gentlemen of the Vancouver jury, thank you for taking the time to hear my argument today. I realize that I, as a representative of the Boston Bruins fan base, am facing an uphill battle, but let me remind you: I am not asking you to cheer for the Bruins, but to cheer against the Blue Jackets.

We’ve had our differences, you and I. It’s time we put that in the past and focus on more recent history, namely the time John Tortorella ruined the Canucks.

The Canucks were a strong NHL franchise in the early 2010s. We all remember 2011, and some strong campaigns followed in 2012 and 2013, even if they ended a bit prematurely.

The Canucks may not have been a true powerhouse, but they were a pretty good team with a good goalie and a couple of stars. That’s good enough to go on a run in the NHL nowadays.

Your ownership group elected to get rid of Alain Vigneault and bring in a new face: John Tortorella.

What a disaster.

He took the Canucks from a playoff team to a DNQ in a single season. The Canucks missed the playoffs for the first time since 2008, and Tortorella was summarily fired.

No big deal, right?

WRONG, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. In his single season with Vancouver, Tortorella started the Canucks on the downward spiral that they’re only starting to come out of.

He alienated David Booth. He alienated Alex Burrows. He wanted the Sedin Twins to turn into gritty shot blockers.

But most of all, he ran Roberto Luongo, a treasure, out of town, seemingly for no reason. Refusing to start Luongo in the Heritage Classic was the ultimate hardo move, right up Tortorella’s alley.

Your beloved, excellent-on-Twitter goalie was shipped out of town mere days later, and there’s been a void in the Vancouver net (and in your hearts) ever since.

And who is to blame for all of this? The man helming the Columbus Blue Jackets.

So I ask you not to cheer for the Bruins, as we know that’s not going to happen. Maybe someday we can be friends.

But a vote for the Blue Jackets is a vote against Burrows, and the Sedins, and most importantly, against Roberto Luongo.

It simply can’t be allowed.

Thank you for your time. (click here)

What seemed like an open and shut case got interesting, as the Bruins attorney opened some old wounds by bringing up John Tortorella. Would the jury see it their way? First, we would have to hear the closing argument from Columbus’ attorney, Eric Seeds of Jackets Cannon:

Ladies and gentlemen of the Canucks jury, I ask you - would you want to cheer for the Boston Bruins? The team that gave you this?

I say nay. These images are harsh, to be sure, but could you support the team that denied the Sedin Twins a Stanley Cup? There’s no chance. Vancouver fans supporting the team that gave them their biggest playoff letdown is wrong. The Columbus Blue Jackets are looking to eradicate this Boston menace.

I could probably stop there, but I’ll hit some quick points on why Vancouver should not support Boston.

Brad Marchand - this guy. Come on. He licks people. Multiple times, even! When he’s not doing that, he’s throwing questionable hits, leading the Bruins in penalty minutes, and stomping on sticks at critical moments. Supporting him is like cheering for the Monsters. No one wants to do that.

Conor McGregor. Here, watch this video.

No one wants to be associated with him. Plus, he stepped on the logo.

The Boston Red Sox have won four titles in the last two decades and, despite their “We hate the Yankees!” mantra have become the Yankees. Don’t cheer for the same city as the poser Yankees.

Bill Simmons - are you going to stand with this guy, the blogger who wore his welcome out years ago and now just does podcasts with better talent to keep himself relevant? Jump on his homer bandwagon where he cares about the Bruins for three weeks every spring? What’s the point?

Sam Adams - these people claimed it was a craft beer to the point that it became a meme and Congress passed a law saying “No, you’re too big.” Marketing lies to make your awful beer appeal to people who actually enjoy trying smaller local brews is worth derision, not support.

The city layout sucks. Who thought making this was a good idea? Take it away, Thrillest:

While Boston is a beautiful city and a victim of circumstance stemming from its roots as one of America’s oldest, that doesn’t excuse the fact that navigating the place remains a total shitshow. Unlike LA, the city was designed for carriages, not cars -- with its narrow, winding roads built along Native American cattle and horse trails. This type of design, while common in Europe, is far outside the norm in the US... and it shows. Throw in the worst drivers in the country, aggressive jaywalkers, and traffic lights that are more like suggestions, and you’ll be begging to take the Green Line. Even though the Green Line absolutely sucks, especially if the Sox are playing at home. And while the Big Dig project improved the situation in many ways (yes, it used to be worse), the project’s $22 billion price tag won’t be paid off until 2038. Hopefully by then, you’ll be able to ride your hoverboard into work.

Are you going to support the city that has given the world Tom Brady and Robert Kraft? Tom Brady will never go away, and Robert Kraft is a criminal. So there’s that. Supporting the city that has the Patriots and Red Sox over a city that just won a playoff series for the first time ever and has no championships in the big four sports is nearly grounds for a psych evaluation.

If you’re still on the fence, remember that Brad Marchand has a Stanley Cup ring and the Sedin twins do not.

The prosecution rests. Cheer for the Columbus Blue Jackets.

The gallery gasped numerous times during the closing argument, a common reaction to seeing Brad Marchand, and the Judge had to remind those in attendance that he would clear the courtroom if order was not restored. It seemed a bit excessive, but it’s sweeps season. The jury was then sequestered to come up with a verdict. (click here again)

Juror #1- CBJ wins my fake allegiance. Salt mines and despair for Boostun.

Juror #2- Both compelling arguments and I appreciate the appeal from the Bruins defence team to my disdain for Torts. But in the end, there’s just NO way I could cheer for the Boston fucking Bruins. Lock them up and throw away the key. Big CBJ fan here. I am resolute in my opinion. Anyone looking to change my opinion better pack a lunch.

So it comes down to Juror #3. He sits and reflects on the statements of his fellow jurists for a moment before speaking:

Juror #3- In good conscience I must declare my prior conflict of interest. Being born in Montreal means I am legally required to cheer for anyone but the Bruins (A note is sent to the Judge, detailing this admission. The Judge rules to allow it, because Brad Marchand).

Having said that, I will do my utmost to give a fair and unbiased vote based only on the facts presented.

The Bruins suck.

Any team that contains the “Champian” and his antics will always have the taint of multiple repeat offences against all that is great about hockey. While I’ll give the golf clap due to Bergeron and Chara, their decent play does not do enough to mitigate the Bruin culture that seems to have always been: let’s commit 100 unsportsmanlike acts, get called for 10 of them, and be 90 cheap shots ahead of the officials.

But what about the Blue Jackets? I have to admit that the appeal to Tort law is a good one. And there’s that vastly annoying cannon. And how DARE they presume to expect a cup until they’ve paid their dues for (checks franchise ages) at least another 30 years. But clever lawyers don’t make for innocent clients.

On balance, considering both present behaviour and past record, I have to say that the Boston Bruins remain the more guilty of the two parties.

Cheer for the Blue Jackets. (clickity-click)

The court is reconvened and the Judge speaks:

Judge: In the case of Boston vs Columbus, have you reached a verdict?

Juror #1- We have, your Honor.

Judge- Welllllll......?

Judge #1- We the jury find that the fans of the Vancouver Canucks should cheer for the Columbus Blue Jackets.

The court agrees and lends full support to Jackets Cannon. Case dismissed. (you know you want to)