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Lucky Dogs - Nucks lose 4-3 to Yotes but still win!

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2017 Coors Light NHL All-Star Skills Competition
Everybody WINS!!!
Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images


The Nucks National Tankeristas have almost won the war - on Vegas. Not enough ammo to take Colorado, but still, it’s a strategic victory in the war on losing.

Two more operational manoeuvres and we beat the hockey house in Vegas. The Vegas Garish Nights hold some extra lucky cards in the lotto draw - however, if the Nucks can keep the heat on in the big L streak (only 7 and counting), the Vegas Black Gripes can’t push us down to 5th or 6th in the Make Our Team Great Again draftacular.

Victory is but two losses away!

Just a few some most of us were hoping that the Play-4-Pride Nucks wouldn’t. And they didn’t. Although they gave us a little comeback scare in the 3rd. Anyhow, I’m not here to savour the thinnest of flattened silver linings of this wretched season. No I’m here to deliver a stirring rendition of a meaningless game recap. Let’s get started.

1st Period:

Out of the gate the Nucks looked competitive. No goal or two against in the first 30 seconds, so that says they came in from the sweltering desert heat to play. At least until the 6 minute mark. With some scrambly scrambles around the net, all Canucks including Bachman Miller were playing follow-the-bouncy-puck. Luke Scheen played the hit-the-puck-with-a-stick and got a goal for his efforts. The Glendale crowd went crazy. Nucks fans sighed a little sigh of guilty relief.

Just to make the game interesting....for those of us without a vested interest in drafting in the top 2, the Sedins set up Goldy for a goal. A real behind the goalie goal. It was like watching the Sedinery from a previous decade. With a finisher from a new decade.

Tied 1-1 at the end of the first. Game is going to get more interesting. Which is a good or bad thing.

2nd Period:

The Canucks played hard - so hard that they took a bunch of penalties. But, no worries, with the 26th 27th 28th best PK in the league facing the 28th 27th 26th best PP no one was expecting much.

Except Vrby. He got two goals in one period. I remember when he played for Vancouver and couldn’t get two goals in one month.

Anyhow, when he plays desert hockey - he scores. Big.

A collective exhale of diesel fumes from the Tankeristas was heard across Canucks Nation. But, now the idiotic feisty dogs were barking Burmistrov style at the side of the slap pass. Vrby setup the play on the power play. But, didn’t get the credit because 3rd assist isn’t a thing. 3-1 Deserting Dogs.

Who wants moar PP goals? Vrby. While Groot was off for having a reach too long, Stecher didn’t quite clear the puck out of the zone, so Vrbattta snatched the puck, took a shot, got his own rebound and snapped it past Bachman Miller. 4-1 Dirty Sweet Dogs.

3rd Period:

It’s a really big lead to overcome, so why bother? Because pro players never give up. Unless it’s a Willie-coached Nucks powerplay. But on this night it struck pay goal just 1:47 in the period. Some nice, scrambly play around the net and the puck ends up on Boeser’s stick, he corrals the puck and shoots it almost vertically into the top of the net. I almost cried. How many seasons have we watched chances like that end with a shot right into the goalie crest?

Goalie goes down - shoot the puck up. WINNING! Going to watch the replay over and over until we draft #2!

Still a two goal lead, so no anti-tank weapons are available. Or are they? Those tricky Twins (who have had their worst season in over a decade) decided to play some youthful pass - pass - score goal-mania. (Hank had a 3 point night) Uh-oh. Cue the Comeback Kids music, which sounds eerily similar to the theme from Jaws.

Despite the push in the last minute with Bachman Miller on the bench and Willie putting Bo (the team’s highest scorer, btw) out with the Sedins, the D-Dogs kept the kennel from reeking of broken draft beer pee. **Phew** That was close.

Defeat with dignity. A carefully crafted almost comeback. I’m ok with that. 29th place is almost ours. After this horrific season, we will finish with even fewer points than last year’s horrific season, so we need to see a little ray of hope bouncing off a fickle lottery ball.

The Canucks 69 points is same number that allowed Toronto to draft Mr. Mathews. Even if the Canucks do the strategic thing and lose just two more meaningless games, it won’t be enough to draft first. Thanks Rocky Mountain High. On the bright side, if we can finish 29th and pick second, we’re still better than at least one other team in the league. That’s something to be proud of - in a sick twisted way.

Anyhow, the season isn’t over until the fat lady Hockey’s Saviour scores consecutive hat tricks in consecutive games against us.

Tune in on Saturday and Sunday for the final Battles to the Bottom. Drink it all in Canucks Nation - we can’t be this horrific next year. Please.