Subbing in for the Kent machine who is out saving lives this morning.

Did you come here to comment on playoff hockey? Perfect. Let’s start with this:

Photo by Derek Leung/Getty Images

Filthy, Terrible, No Go Rangers Vs Les Habs - 7pm ET

This series is tied 2-2 regrettably. Fun fact: the Rangers are disgusting. Alternative fact: Shea Weber for president (please). Hard truth: The spring season means flowers, rain and sending NY’s typical band of hockey bandwagoners home to root for their deplorable baseball teams for the next five months.

...that puck’s not supposed to go in...

Torts Jackets Vs Cupquins 7pm ET

Torts will be cursing up a storm if his team keeps blowing leads with their backs against the wall. I can’t wait for WD to land on a team that makes the playoffs next year so all three ex-Vancouver coaches can point their fingers and laugh. Yeah, well, two can play at that game: Frank Corrado has yet to play for the Penguins so, yeah, choke on it.

Severed Heads Vs Apex But Instinct, 8pm ET

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. A whole lot of wrong. A whole lot of wrong from “experts.” A whole lot of wrong from more experts. I could do this all day. Did you know the Predators have never had a 3-0 lead in franchise history? Here’s to their first 4-0 in the record book then.

Photo by Derek Leung/Getty Images

The Chokers Vs The Jokers, 10:30pm ET (you had to think about this one right?)

I originally wanted both teams here to destroy each other. But then Kassian stood up and I smiled, which ain’t easy with that filth on his jersey. Then the Sharks dropped a 7uongo on them in response and I smiled again. It’s not quite the level of destruction I want, but I’ll take it. Let this thing go seven games so we get pictures of crying fans in the end. Somehow that feels like a Vancouver win and that’s all that counts.