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NHL All-Star Portraits
Young Prince Henrik - The Regal Canucks Era
Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images for the NHL

It’s game day! Who’s game? Our game! Who cares? We do!

This will be a short fake news cycle, because the NHL’s fastest growing goalie graveyard team is in town to right the wrong of getting McOiled 7-1 on Tuesday, right? Wrong. We’re due for our take-it-out-on-bigger-losers win. Even if they are only 1 less point bigger losers. Whatever. It’s a must win game for the Play For Pride players on the Nucks. So expect Megna to be double shifted. In the first.

Anyhow, I’m not and you are certainly not here for the pre-game fluff up. You’re here for the cold hot news of the NHL. And I’m here to make it up for you. Let’s get started!


With only 100 sheepless sleepless nights until we claim our prize... it’s freaking too soon to spin the prospect wheel of probabilities. We have enough time to read, hell, write and re-write and read all the biographies of the drafting class of 2017. Ok, that sounds bad. It’s actually worse. It’s 3 months plus a few days tacked on for misery.

Since there’s so much time to dream the dream (again), let’s consider the top 5 players we will might probably won’t get to draft.

You’re expecting the suspenseful inverted countdown to #1, aren’t you? Consider this just another annoying continuation of your Nuck luck season of disappointments.


Still at number 1 is Nolan Patrick (C) - he plays a heavy game and JB has terrible luck picking and playing the heavies. So we skip him. Unless you want him, then that’s different. Go ahead, you pick, but don’t screw up because Nucksnation can be vicious. I recall fondly when we were vivacious. What a difference a decade can make.


The new #1 (was 2) is Nico Hischier (C) - This is the rising star of shifty moves and slick passing. Could be the best player in the draft. Which means we don’t get him. Instead expect him to end his career living on sweltering streets just as it starts. Fear and losing in the Las Vegas Folding Nights, Baby! They’re keen for some marketable Swiss currency. What Vegas wants, Vegas gets! Right, Gary?


The new usurper at the 2nd best spot is Owen Tippett (RW) - probably the top sniper in the group. So why is he only rated at #2 (some say #4)? Because, he’s going to be ours. And we’re ok picking 2nd and 3rd. It’s worked for us before. And could again if only he had a twin brother. But desperate draft years require some desperate etc...


If a stud D is what you’ve always wanted on your blueline then Cale Makar (D) is your possible guy. Why? Because he’s fast and skilled and actual (unlike me) experts expect Cale to be an impact player in the NHL. In my lofty waffling opinion, I wouldn’t select him - we need moar goals from more forwards. Now. Or sooner. (Unless Cale Makar is the most fake anagram ever for Bobby Orr).


His distant relative was a brilliant baroque composer, so Gabriel Vilardi (C) - knows how to play the game contrapuntally. Oh...Vilardi, not Vivaldi. Never mind. Still... the kid has a cool playlist, mad skillz and a wicked wrister.


He’s young and fast, but when he’s old and slow, Maxime Comtois (C/LW) - could suffer from unflattering nicknames. But, right now he’s a brilliant playmaker with a sneaky fast release. And we want moar goals. Now! He’s also only 16, so one of us may have to teach him how to drive so he can get to the garage on his own next fall.

There’s my top 5 picks. Ok, 6 picks. No worries - it’s a bonus! My math skills are better than my prospect assessment guesses anyhow. Feel free to rabble amongst yourselves for our next Nucks prospect that JB (or his replacement) will keep in Utica for season after season for seasoning (until the trade is made).

THE NEWS NOW (as I report fake it)

The NHL is not keen on allowing NHL players to participate in the 2018 Olympics. Gary’s Deer-in-Headlights-Hemorrhoid face gives it away whenever he’s asked about the Olympics.

The problem is that the players and the fans want NHL players in the Olympics. Ok, fan and player wishes have never been a concern for Gary. No, the vital concern for Gary is growing the game. Growing the Game = More Revenue. Vegas, Baby!

If Gary and his team of expert yes-men conclude the global exposure, especially in Asia, isn’t worth losing a couple weeks of gate receipts and TV revenue (TV revenue they won’t get because... Olympics), then what’s a megalomaniac sports commissioner to do? (Insert Trump cabinet appointment joke here)

The Stanley Cup playoffs are a pretty big deal. But are they big enough? No, they are not. Compared to the Superbowl they attract about as much attention as a Carolina Hurricanes home game. Cancelled because of bad weather ice. What can Gary and his team of financial weasels do? The rumour going around alt-hockey boards today is clever, if not totally devious.

The league’s Department of Devious Development is hatching a plan that will revolutionise the league, make vast amounts of money and piss off players and fans. It’s Gary’s trifecta collecta of greed meets media frenzy meets Superbowling hype.

Traditionally, the teams that meet in the finals play the games in their respective rinks. The higher ranking team gets 4 home games. Traditionally, modern democracies elected leaders suited for the job of governing. Tradition has had its time. It’s old and stale. And the rink needs to be drained. And monetized better, man. You can’t be too greedy. And owning a golf course hockey league gives you great power.

When the NHL’s Olympics deal falls through, my sources claim, GB will launch a labelled moneypuck from center ice that will rebound round the world. Instead of giving those greedy final two teams the gate receipts, why not auction the rights for the 7 games? Why not indeed!

Imagine the bidding war between cities, even countries, to host one game of the finals. The outrage alone would boost Coach’s Corner ratings for months. Global media empires fighting each other to throw money, blow money, sew money on the commissioner’s throne.

If North South Korea wants NHL players on their ice, they only have to outbid New York, London, Vegas, Rome, Rio or Moscow. Hundreds and hundreds of millions will be made in 7 short games. (The series is guaranteed to go 7 games, because fans sponsors demand it.) Plus! Extra Gary Bonuses! No annoying games played in that low TV ratings state, Canada.

Gary’s Global Game Changer. Vegas, Baby! Or Abu Dhabi, Baby! The Stanley Cup Playoffs. The hottest coolest brand in the world!

Finally... in other news...there’s this report that I dredged up.

Enjoy the game tonight (if we win). If not, let’s not mention it outside our therapy sessions. See you tomorrow! Maybe.

This Just In: Our fav undrafted AMFB has written a sweet thank you note to Vancouver - and Canucks fans. Possibly even the fans here on NM, although that part isn’t clear. Merci, Alex! And Merci, Chicky, for the scoop.