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NHL: Boston Bruins at Vancouver Canucks
NHL Nets are too wide and goalie mitts too short. Here’s the proof.
Anne-Marie Sorvin-USA TODAY Sports

DEAR DIARY: It’s Day 2 after being humiliated by the ****Rat. To compensate I get stuck on a 30 minute tech support call to an internet printing company - desperately need them to solve a client’s massive print run. While waiting for some dull detail to display on his stooopid slow support computer, the rep and me chat a bit about....politics and.... hockey.

The ‘support rep’ is a yuuuge Booins fan. He’s gloating over how much he loved watching the Booins crush the Nucks on Monday - “just like in 11 - on the road, man - so damn sweet”. Here’s the thing, Diary - I really need the A-hole to get the print job completed on time. On the other hand, I want to swing so fast across the skype-a-sphere and smash his smug mug with the full force of the official Henrik Sedin water bottle I have at my desk.

I settle for a scathing reminder of the choking teddy bears routine last season when the Sens whopped the Booins 6-1 snuffing out their chance to make the playoffs. He retorts: “Yeah, we sucked last year - but we fired that bum, Julien, and we have the best player in the game now”. Diary, I slipped up. I said: “Neely, really?”

Anyhow, Diary, the important thing is the stupid f*cked up print order has been de-f*ckicated. And I’m miserable that the 2011 Finals score is tied 8 games a piece. We held the moral victory count proudly in our tiny little minds for years. No more. Some sports therapy experts predict fan despair dissipates in just a few decades. Or longer.


Super, big news today. We lost. Again. It was rumoured that we had a shot at NCAA hottest hotshot, Zach Aston-Reese. But, nope. The perennially struggling Pens have signed him - good to know that once you’re on top, success is a powerful incentive for naive young college players. On the plus side, do we really want a star player with a hyphenated surname? We’re not Edmonton. Yet.

Meanwhile, in the most fashionable part of the controversial goalie gear controversy, I accidently discovered this post at yardbarker about goalie mask art. Ok, it was no accident. I was desperately scouring for some clickfluff on my second day on the prestigious NM After/Before desk. There’s some cool mask art there - except for Lou’s old dirty lid paint goalie mask controversy. And since great art inspires great things, I feel inspired to invoke a great mystery poll:

Who is the Nucks goalie in the ghoul mask?

As it’s only my second day on the desk, I don’t actually have the power to invoke anything other than snickers. So...let’s make this a multiple choice and you can put your correct answer in the comments.

A) Richard Brodeur

B) Glen Hanlon

C) John Garrett

D) None of the above, you sneaky moron. It’s...

Anyway, in other news... on the Canucks coaching change front, there’s nothing to report since the last time there was nothing to report.


Just a for a change up let’s look at some other team’s goalie controversy writ large in mega-dollar contracts. Let’s pick on a team lower (for now) in the standings. In the hockeynews, Dallas Stars have some housecleaning to do.

Legal Weasels:

It’s Happening! Because it’s a pre-game day, it’s our privilege to rag on the league’s head weasel. NHL Concussion Lawsuit Goes to Court. Deadspin seems pretty sure and that’s good enough for me. Hope the weasel gets a billion dollar migraine from his shtick to sell safe Violence On Ice to America.

From the pre-trial documents:

“Helmets do not protect against concussion, giving players a false sense of protection, and the Concussion Program served only to give the false impression that the NHL was providing players with accurate risk analysis.”

If the NHL was really concerned with reducing concussions they would have implemented racier helmets.

No hockey news day is complete without some 30 thoughts thunk by Elliotte. The ongoing Olympic saga is sagging a little around the middle. I know the feeling.

Also some speculation about the Vegas Fart Dark Nights. Gotta start the hate early, kids, as they will be stealing a player from us soon. If we’re lucky it’s a player we wanted to cast off like 5 day old pizza or 6 for 6 contracts.

The good news is, we won’t lose our equipment manager - as reported in the VegasSun, the Daft Blights poached Chris Davidson-Adams from Dallas.

As you can see, these guys have all the usual hockey gear ready to go - safety helmets and regulation fluorescent vests. The article claims the team is building “the practice facility at Downtown Summerlin”. As usual, what stays in Vegas is not the truth - palm trees do not provide enough shade for an ice rink. And there is no downtown in Summerlin - bland strip malls, sandstone money-laundering facilities and over-irrigated gold courses don’t make a real downtown.

And finally with a very dirty baking dozen games left, you may want to see where those ultra fine edges of chance are etching our playoff hope futility. Moneypuck has a semi-interactive wheel of chance to fiddle around with until you realise the game is rigged and the best way to win is to couch coach at a safe distance.

Be back tomorrow with more scintillating (possibly made-up) Nucks news. Possibly.