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Canucks Player Autopsy: Brandon DeFazio

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By Zanstorm
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Huffin and a puffin and I'll blow your house in!
Huffin and a puffin and I'll blow your house in!

DeFazio! DeFazio! Who the **** is DeFazio?!

Born: September 13, 1988 in Oakville, Ontario. Conceived in the back seat of a Chevy Impala. No, he wasn't. But for the kids that don't know what an Impala is: you have no clue what tough car is. Take your plastic shit and go home. Impala has got you beat.

Position: Left Wing.

Size: 6'1", 200 pounds

Drafted: Not drafted.

Acquired: Mike Gillis signed Defazio as a free agent in July of 2013. I say Mike Gillis because...he meant well.

Contract status: Restricted Free Agent. In other words: GONE LIKE THE WIND.

DeFazio (which is Italian for "phased out"), played his first 2 NHL games this season for the Canucks, averaging just under 6:00 per game in those 2 games. No points. 2 shots. 1 missed shot.  Perhaps 18 shifts. 1 takeaway. No hits.

Not a bad AHL'er though:

He has 2 goals and 4 assists in 19 games of the Comets' current playoff run.

DeFazio Misc

-Brandon's psychiatrist told him he was crazy and he said he wanted a second opinion. The psych said okay, you're ugly too.


-A girl phoned DeFazio the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' He went over. Nobody was home.

-Brandon's taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - He don't know if he's coming or going.

-He could tell his parents hated him. His bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

-When Brandon was a kid his parents moved a lot, but he always found them.

-His mother never breast-fed him. She told him she only liked him as a friend.

-If it wasn't for pick-pockets, Brandon would have no sex life at all.

OK, thanks to Rodney Dangerfield. I just copied his jokes. Plus, I hope Brandon never sees this post. I'm just kidding, man. I just know nothing about you and am making jokes at your expense.

DeFazioTube


Yaay!!! Interference!!!:

Yaaaayyy hat trick!!!!:

Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy FIGHT!!!!!:

No, seriously though.... DeFazio will be in a Canucks' jersey next season:

OK **** it. I honestly do wish him well and you just never know what can happen. I'm sure some advanced stats will prove he is NHL caliber...but I'm not looking into them....oh wait...small sample size. That's what your nurse told you.

This post has been brought to you by Green Jelly:

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