...clears throat, wipes sweat from bald head...
Good to see you all again. You might not remember me, but I used to show up around these parts remarkably often until real life reared it's filthy ugly head, forcing me into immensely long hours of staring at an evil program called Sharepoint (anyone who's worked with this platform is gently nodding their head in tacit agreement) instead of hanging out here finding animated gifs of ginger children drinking tomato juice with a caption "look at how many fucks I give?" when Cory Schneider makes a save. For this you have my deepest apologies and a zillion thanks to the NM crew who had to pick up my slack.
Now that the time has come where I don't have to watch recaps in airports and strange hotels anymore, it's time to get back to business, starting with my fellow cohorts and dusting off a brand new Get Off My Lawn in which we rant and rave about this week's world of Vancouver Canucks hockey.
Grip it and rip it!
...wait that sounds too young. What do old people say when they get excited?
"Well that's neater than a pocket on a shirt."
OUR LOVE IS RIGHT...
Ol' Man Zandberg Muted Matlock to Say: Who are you callin' old, peckerhead? Last time I checked I have excellent eyesight, no limp (heheh) a full set of teeth and pants that are not pulled up to my nipples. Matlock never gets muted. But commercials are on so let me quickly say that I am going to sing the praises of a few Canucks that have shown super effort CONSISTENTLY: Roberto Luongo, Chris Higgins, Maxim Lapierre, Jannik Hansen and I may have forgotten a couple but those guys are my standouts. It's hard to judge the D in that sense because I am not super impressed with any of them, except maybe Bieksa's current 4 game points streak and you know, Hamhuis because he's from Smithers. Of course, a big kudos to the team for being in the President's Trophy race even though it appears they only give a shit about 50% of the time.
"Grandpa Kent! Even if that's true, what about the Sedins? They're SLUMPING!!! Everyone's figured them out! It will be just like last year!" Oh, go wipe your damn noses! You bitch and moan when someone calls them the sisters (and rightfully so) but the moment they're not going all Harlem Globetrotters on people, you're at the front of the line to cut them down. I swear I don't know how they've stayed in this town full of bi-polar, fairweather lunatics! If you think for a moment other fan bases would pay any credence to a portion of their base who spouts this kind of nonsense about their own superstars, you're dead wrong. Stop disrespecting them. Every player slumps. They've been among the absolute best in the league since the lockout. So they've cooled off for a few games. This team is built to withstand such things. This is no time to start up this garbage. Believe in the system. Believe in Blue.
...BUT OUR HATE IS PURE
Yankee Canuck Bemoans: I hate daylight savings time. Stupid farmers.
(via 30.media.tumblr.com) Jack. Squat.
(via 4.bp.blogspot.com) FIX IT!
Let me tell you something, and I know you rugrats are getting sick of hearing it: I am sick of the Sedins' slumping. Oh yeah, I was all over them early on too and you all jump all over me. Well who's the damned smart guy now? At least these guys look to be on the up and up, especially against Winnipeg. But then again..f*** that! Let's ride these two. Hey, the moronic fans like to jump all over Roberto Luongo when he has a bad game or two. The Sedins have had SEVEN!!! BLOODY SEVEN!!! IN A MUTHAF***ING ROW! Split them up!!! TRADE THEM! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.....These two reds are each a $6.1 million cap hit. Luongo is about $5.3. HELLO!! Jump on the Sedin hate wagon for god's sakes. Burn your Hank and Dank jerseys in effigy and curse you for having them in the first place! But no, you won't, because you'd rather pick on the easy target...the poor damned goalie.The poor damned goalie who has been the Canucks' player of the year so far. Punks. I think you have fallen off your damned skateboard one too many times and all that pot is making you stupid.
Seriously though, then I get angry because now talk emerges of them being past their primes now, yadda f***ing yadda. I swear, these guys are slumping, but I wonder if they are just chilling out a bit too. Maybe they are saying to themselves and each other telepathically in their dreams and shit: "screw the Art Ross, let's go for the Big Guy!" And if that is the case in any form then I am ok with that. Just watch though: they will get rolling again down the stretch, and all this jibber will cease, including from me. Until then, LET'S LYNCH A SEDIN! Woo! Let's see if their legs twitch in unison when we tighten the noose and drop the floor from beneath their feet!