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And Boom Goes the Dynamite (Friday Links)

A preview of the joys of photoshops you will see this coming season.
A preview of the joys of photoshops you will see this coming season.

As I was heading home on the skytrain, attempting to ignore the stench of the man passed out/sleeping beside me, I came to a realization. The Canucks, and their fan base, are Wile E. Coyote. The Stanley Cup? The Road Runner. Our entire history is littered with crazy schemes, hair brained ideas, and many many many failures. So many failures. Igor Larionov? Who needs that. Cam Neely? Never amount to anything. Wayne Gretzky? We demand you give us an answer!

Mark. Messier.

We have done so many things to try and catch that Road Runner, but that little bastard keeps getting away from us. Every time we get close to him, he manages to find a way to get away from us. It doesn't matter how many times we poison that damn bird seed, somehow that freaking bird always knows what's up and eludes us.

I always knew as a child that I hated the Road Runner. I always knew and related to Wile E. Coyote far more. Other kids would laugh with delight as the Road Runner would elude Wile E., but I would sit back and go "That's not fair. He had him. He outworked him. This isn't right. He had the perfect plan. I really hate that bird." And now I know why. Because I am Wile. E. Coyote. We all are. We know the pain and suffering Wile E. has had to suffer through. We watch with sorrow as the Road Runner sticks his tongue out and runs away. We know what it's like to get so close only to have it fall out of our grasp.

So with that in mind, for 2012, I have my motto all picked out and ready to go. Ahem.

To the Vancouver Canucks of 2012. Kill. The. Bird.

We deserve a cup, damnit. I don't care what any other fan base thinks of us. We have sat back and waited for this for far too long to let last year be the only shot we have at the Cup for the next 15 years. 2012, this is our year. Ryan Kesler, that kind of player, he doesn't get denied his entire career. He will win a cup. Two Art Ross winners on a team? They don't end a career without winning a cup. Hate Roberto Luongo all you want, but he is a top goalie, and top goalies find a way to win a cup. Some of them do this without going to Detroit. I know the hockey gods make sure the Canucks make a mockery of stats and positive outcomes, but screw that. If Tampa Freaking Bay can win a cup, so can we.

Kill. The. Bird.


News and links after the jump!

Canucks News and Notes

  • Joey "I swear I don't use blush...ok well maybe a little blush" Kenward has some interviews up on with the returning players. The latest interview? Mikael Samuelsson. Nothing quite beats the awkward cadence of a solid Samuelsson interview. My favorite part of Samuelsson's interviews is when a bored media guy throws a cliched question his way and Samuelsson goes "Well, no, not at all". Cracks me up every time. "So you guys have to just stick to the gameplan and this will turn around, right?" "Well, no, not at all." You can almost see the horror in the media's eyes when this happens. "What? You didn't answer that properly! How dare you!" Check out CDC for interviews with Edler, a Sedin, and Marco Sturm. Marco Sturm's fun quirk is that he looks like he is plotting which would be easier, killing you, or escaping by running away, before he turns into a completely friendly guy once he starts talking. []
  • Dan "Green Eggs and" Hamhuis weighs in on Crosby mania. "I think he's cuter than Ovechkin, and you can tell he has a sensitive soul" reasons Hamhuis. He also goes into the headshot debate, and being a concussion victim himself, it's surprising to hear him also put the onus on the player being hit a bit, as well. He talks about keeping your head up (HEY HORTON, HE'S TALKING TO YOU. DON'T ADMIRE YOUR PASSES BUDDY. YOU'RE NOT EVEN THAT GOOD OF A PASSER. GRETZKY I COULD UNDERSTAND, IF I WAS GRETZKY I WOULD PROBABLY GET AROUSED WATCHING THE KICK ASS PASSES I WAS PULLING OUT OF MY ASS, BUT YOU? YEAH, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST DISH THAT PUCK OFF AND KEEP SKATING) and that if they took a harsh stance on accidental head shots, guys would skate with their heads down at all times. On a side note, has there ever been a worse "OH GOD YES, OH SHIT WHAT THE HELL" moment than that hip check Hamhuis threw on Lucic? If I could go back in time and stop one play... [The Province]
  • "We can rebuild him." The quest to turn Cody Hodgson into Cody Godson is hitting stage 3 of development as Cody comes into camp with 5 more pounds of muscle on him. "It's all due to Gary Roberts, I won't lie. If you don't eat properly and exercise properly, he will beat you with a bag of oranges. I don't like citrus anymore. Do you smell oranges?? Oh god, I've peed myself again. We can't even think of eating non organic foods. I mean, a burger? Oh shit, I shouldn't have said that. Please don't tell Gary I said burger. Oh god, I peed again. Oh god. Oh god." explained Cody. [The Province]
  • As heard earlier today, Victor "News1130 calls him Oreskavich" Oreskovich re-signed with the Canucks to a one year, two way deal yesterday. "How did we get him to sign the deal? Well, we found the nearest barrel, we pushed him over it, and we had our way with him. Then he signed the deal. Arbitration rights? Oh snap son, you don't have those. High five!" giggled Lawrence Gilman. I am happy with this move, as Victor Oreskovich is like a Tanner Glass except that he is actually a decent 4th liner. He looks like he has some hockey IQ so it will be fun to watch him play 10 games with Hodgson, 8 minutes a game, before Cody gets banished to the AHL. [Vancouver Sun]
NHL News and Notes

  • Kyle Wellwood gets to eat! Wellwood, at first reported to have signed with the Sharks, was swayed by the Jets last minute offer of putting cheese on the contract. Wellwood gratefully signed a one year deal with the Jets, allowing him to continue eating at arenas around the NHL. "I'm just really excited to be playing for the Canucks alumni team. It's going to be really fun to play some games here and there and promote the Canucks long proud history." said Wellwood, before being informed that the Jets are an actual NHL franchise and not a Canucks alumni club. [Winnipeg Free Press]
  • Milan "Do you know who I am?" Lucic's situation with the police was all a misunderstanding. The boys at the Kurtenblog found a story from Lucic's publicist that informs us that Lucic was simply trying to say "Do you know why I am.....I would never do something like this." [Kurtenblog]
  • Following on the heels of that story, I was able to track down Milan's publicist and clear up a few other things about Milan. If you click one link in this entire thread, make it this one, because I wrote it damnit. At 2:24 am. And I work at 8am. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?? [Off the Stanchion]
  • While the hockey world still reels from the tragic plane crash of two days ago, the Toronto Sun looks into the scenario of what would happen if this happened to an NHL team? There is in fact legislation in the rule book for such a thing. [Toronto Sun]
Off the Stanchion Link:

Video of the Day:

Tie Domi vs Tim Hunter - Trevor Linden (via mike8219)

In honor of the Jets comeback season, here is an awesome video of some fights between the Canucks and Jets. The best part of the video? Tie Domi screaming at Tim Hunter "Alls I've got to don't dress Bure next game. Don't dress Bure."

Gif of the day:

I made a series of Raffi Torres gif's (I know, shocking, right?), and this one was one of my favorites. The entire theme was to play up the fact that Raffi was the worlds biggest a-hole, so I would ask the question, What Would Raffi Do? Well, this was one such case.