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I will not eat. I will not sleep. I will find you. And when I do, I will feed your head to flies.

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This comedic final weekend of hockey is, if I may, fan-fucking-tastic. As opposed to last year where the Canuck faithful were sacrificing virgins in hopes of squeaking into 8th, this year at least we can sit comfortably knowing that we have two games to get the two points we need for the NW crown.

What? We didn't sacrifice virgins last year? Well, that explains what happened now doesn't it?

Leaving the Canucks destiny alone for a second, look at all the love angles popping up this Easter weekend:

Calgary: Every critic's golden manchild to win the conference, take a run at the cup blah blah blah. Well, son of a bitch, look who has a long weekend ahead of themselves: they have to run into their buddies, the Oilers, tomorrow in hopes of getting the two points they sorely need to clinch. Otherwise, they have to play the very thing pissing in their cereal these days, the Avs. You think the Flames suddenly love Nashville for any specific reason?

Colorado: Like the b-movie zombie that won't die until you literally blow its head off, take the skull goo and throw it into an exploding volcano, these guys refuse to go away. In my mind, I justify the Canucks loss to them as just a way to irk Calgary. Colorado now has to go dance with Nashville and their old buddy Forsberg; if they can squeeze by them and Calgary shits themselves on Saturday, they get to try and oust Calgary on their very own. So guess who loves the Oilers suddenly?

Minnesota: Like the ugly sister that gets tossed aside at the dance, they've sat quietly back and just kept winning this week. Of course, having a home and home against the Oilers doesn’t hurt. They have one final game against the Blues; simply put, if they win and the Canucks can’t beat the Sharks or Dogs, they get the crown. Then again the Blues have beaten the Red Wings and Dallas recently and surely JD wants them to end on a high note. So, as numbing as it is, Canuck fans suddenly don’t mind the blue note for a single solitary day.

Also, it’s worth noting that if the Canucks get their two points, but the Wild beat the Blues anyway, it’s up to Dallas to get at least a point in their final two games against the Ducks and Blackhawks. If they don’t, then guess who the Canucks get in the first round? I’m sure Jes Gőlbez would be ok with that, but I sure wouldn’t.

Edmonton: The rusted down yellow Yugo of the NHL, this team can’t do anything right and have to be praying for the end of the season to put it all behind them. But, what stands in their way? Only their arch nemesis Flames; as the BoA are pimping already, it gives this team relevance for one final game. You can’t tell me the Oilers aren’t pumped for a chance to deliver a killshot to the Flames? Hell, I’ll be an Oiler fan for day just for that.

Too many short term love angles to mention if you glance around the league (cough cough), so let’s just all agree we love Keira Knightley no matter what happens. Agreed? Agreed.