In recent news, the elusive Temujin of West Coast Chaos has been spotted raiding refrigerators for beer and leftovers. If you find this man in your house, do not approach him as he can be very dangerous, especially when cornered. It is currently unknown if he's had his rabies shots. This is the most recent picture, taken outside my house two days ago. He turned only to glare for a few seconds before scampering off into the darkness.DO NOT BE FOOLED BY HIS "PITY ME, I JUST HAD HERNIA SURGERY" LOOK!! IT HAS BEEN REPORTED THAT HE'S BITTEN SEVERAL AREA RESIDENTS AND EVEN HARASSED FAMILY PETS.
The best thing we can do for this creature is to call pest control so they can tranquillize and release him back into his natural habitat. Though dangerous, he is a fragile character and has many fears. If you find yourself in his presence, arm yourself with a rubber band, raw vegetables, pocket Aces, Captain Morgans Spiced Rum, or a long tube that might resemble a catheter (any straw will do) until the proper authorities arrive.
Indications that you may have had him in your house include: fridge left slightly open, crumbs on the counter, beer cans under the coffee table, missing toilet seat covers, cheap beer left lying around, half drank hard liquor, oh, and pizza left without the toppings.
Thank you for your time, you have been warned!