(DISCLAIMER: Obviously, none of this is real. Not to my knowledge anyway.)
On a quiet Thursday afternoon, an innocent phone call commences.
Waddell: Don here.
Nonis: 'zup Don, its D-slice.
Waddell: Sweet god Dave, it's been awhile. How's the weather up there? It's like 70 degrees here. So much tail in tank tops as they say.
Nonis: Yeah yeah, but still, you live in Atlanta. Isn't that where the trash from NYC ends up?
Waddell: Only if they pay the asking price Dave, only for the asking price.
Nonis: Nice. Anyway, I was thinking...I got a trade idea for ya.
Waddell: Hang tight, I'm making a margarita and I never get the salt right. (momentary pause, ice cubes clinking in a glass. A shattering sound follows.) SON OF A FUCK SHIT WHORE...sorry, I dropped the damn glass. Hold on. (pouring noises, more ice cubes, vigorous salt shaking, requisite sip) Ahhh. There we go. My afternoon can begin. Sorry, you were saying?
Nonis: Didn't peg ya for a rita fan. Anyway, here's my thought. I have this great center, a hell of a guy, but we just can't hang on to him I think. And the more I thought about it he’d be a real asset as an Atlanta Thrasher.
Waddell: Oh yeah? Good stuff, what's his name?
Nonis: Jan Bulis.
Waddell: Bulis? Is that some strange Canadian sauce you guys have?
Nonis: No no, he's a real life human being. Seriously. He used to be a Montreal Canadien so he knows a bit about pressure too.
Waddell: (long sipping sound) Ohhhh. Him. Yeah, I think I know him. Isn't he sort of whiney?
Nonis: No no, you confuse whiney with outspoken. He's quite the leader, in some ways, in our locker room. I think he may even win the upcoming Mark Messier Leadership award.
Waddell: If that's the case, why are you looking to part with him?
Nonis: Well, like I said, he's a great guy. But we're pretty stacked at center. We got that one Sedin who plays center. Then we have Morrison and Kesler, both gritty guys. Even Marc Chouinard can get in there if we need him too. So you see, he's just getting squeezed out a bit.
Waddell: Oh yeah, you're the guy who signed Chouinard! How's that working out?
Nonis: Let's stay focused here. Bulis would be a great center for you guys, especially considering you lost Savard and replaced him with Rucchin of all people.
Waddell: Hey, that's a cheap shot you dirty bastard.
Nonis: Sorry, but you brought up Chouinard.
Waddell: Right, my bad.
Nonis: At any rate, think of Bulis centering Kovalchuk and Hossa. That's speed and skill right there. Every opposing goalie would be petrified. And I know Auld won’t stop that.
Waddell: And what would you want in return? McCarthy?
Nonis: Listen you prick, I'm trying to help here...
Waddell: I'm sorry. This rita is kicking (sipping sound, jingling of ice in glass). Anyway, I'm not terribly sure we can use him. In fact, let's be honest Dave, is he really any good? Hell, Rucchin has one more point then him!
Nonis: Yeah, but numbers are strange like that. Look, I want you to win and you want me to win, right? In fact, if we meet in the cup finals, I'll make you a margarita Nonis style.
Waddell: ...speaking of which, I need another one. Hang tight D. (momentary pause, ice cubes clinking in a glass. Another shattering sound) HOLY SON OF A MOTHERFUC...ugh. One more sec. (pouring noises, more ice cubes, vigorous salt shaking, requisite sip) OK, all set. You know, the more I drink the funnier this is sounding.
Nonis: Wait wait…
Waddell: Do you mind if I get my assistant in on speaker phone so we can spitball this out loud?
Nonis: No no, not at all.
Waddell: Thanks. Hey Ilya?
Waddell: No no, seriously, this is going to be good.
Waddell: What’s up chief? Hey, you want a rita?
Kovalchuk: No no, we have game in three hours.
Waddell: Yeah...against the Flyers though. (mutual laughter, slapping of hands in high five gesture). OK OK, so I have Dave Nonis on the phone here...
Waddell: He's the guy who runs the whale team.
Kovalchuk: Whalers? You mean Carolina?
Nonis: Christ…the VANCOUVER Canucks. We have a whale on the jersey. That’s what he meant.
Waddell: Yeah, sorry, what he said.
Kovalchuk: I've wanted to ask always, why whale on jersey?
Nonis: Well it's because...
Waddell: Ah, shit, Columbus has a bee on theirs! Don't look to the jerseys to make much sense, we're in the NHL remember? You sure you don't want a rita? (silence) OK, suit yourself (long sipping sound, ice jingles against glass). OK, so seriously, Nonis boy wants to send us Jan Bulis.
Nonis: Not send...we're talking trade here.
Waddell: Right. Trade. Sorry. He wants to trade us Jan Bulis.
Kovalchuk: What's a Jan Bulis?
Waddell: That's fucking hysterical, I asked the same thing!
Nonis: Guys, he's a good center. He had 20 goals last year with Montreal. He even had a four goal game.
Kovalchuk: Wow, really? Against who?
Nonis: The Flyers...
(muffled hysterical laughter from Waddell and Kovalchuk, glasses breaking, more hysterical crying laughter)
Nonis: Guys? Hello?
Waddell: Dude, get me a tissue, I've got tears here.
Kovalchuk: My mother could get five against Flyers. Here tissue.
Waddell: Thanks. Oh man. Oh man oh man. OK, I broke another glass and need another drink. Ilya, go tell Rucchin I need another rita.
Kovalchuk: Yes boss. (silence) Hey! Ruu! Wads needs a rita!
Nonis: Guys? OK seriously, long distance charges apply here. I'm looking to make some moves here. Are you interested or not?
Waddell: OK, sorry Dave. Tell you what, we'll need to check the tapes on his play and whatnot...you know...run the numbers against our cap and everything...make sure he fits into our long term plans....ensure he'll gel with our tight knit player community...
Kovalchuk: Yes... knit tight...
Waddell: ...so we'll get back to you in a few days.
Waddell: (sigh) OK, look, it's not going to happen. You must realize like the rest of us do that this guy is just a massive pain in the ass, right?
Waddell: Christ (fist slamming on desk) where is Rucchin with my drink? Moron…
Kovalchuk: I go check.
Nonis: ...Jan is not a pain in the ass. He's just very proud of his talent.
Waddell: Look Dave, I like ya. And I'd like nothing more then to see then you in the finals. If nothing else, you'll make me a coc
ktail! But you're not moving Bulis here. If I were you, I'd package him and that Chouinard guy together and get a pick in return. Have you called Garth up in Uniondale? Seriously, that's the guy you should be talking to.
Nonis: You're right, maybe I'll do that.
Waddell: No hard feelings D-slice? If I came to you wanting to move Exelby and asked for a Sedin in return, you'd do the same thing right?
Nonis: OK, Exelby for Bulis & Chouinard.
Waddell: Shit. I'll talk to you later Dave.
Nonis: Wait, wait...do you have Garth's email?
Waddell: I already emailed you that a few months ago when you called about Naslund.
Nonis: Oh. right. Sorry.
Rucchin: Hey Don, Ilya said you needed a margarita? From me?
Waddell: Yeah from you! What else did you think it meant?
Nonis: …I guess I'll talk to you later Don?
Rucchin: But I'm not sure I know how to make one.
Waddell: You don't know how to make one? Christ...honestly, what good are you? (muffled talk, phone receiver drops to the floor)
(Muffled cursing, sniffles and soft crying from Rucchin, the line gets disconnected)