To Cam Ward:
We recognize you live and work in the hilarious Southeast, so you may not be aware of the how bad it's getting up here. Simply stated, we can't score. We're quite close to a full on 'suck' actually.
So, due to our current offensive ineptitude, I regret to inform you that we've kidnapped this kid (nicknamed him Wiggles). We didn't want to do this, but it's getting bad and, besides, Ohlund's summer job is human trafficking so you go with what you know right?
If you care about Wiggles (and as the Conn Smythe cup winner rookie that you are you have a reputation to uphold), all we ask in return you take a mental hiccup a few times on Friday and let our forwards put some shots past you. I have Dan Cloutier's cell if you need some assistance on how to properly suck and let in 50 foot slap shots.
So what if you got embarrassed passing through Alberta? We do that a few times a year whereas you get to travel down to Florida and smack Alex Auld around every other week. And need I remind you that it was I, Master Nonis, who removed Luongo and gave you Auld to smack around? Where's my xmas card for that huh? Not even a meatlog??
Look, screw the card. I have my job to worry about. So let's be clear here: we'll give the baby back if you let us score a goal. If you let us score two, we'll stop kidnapping babies all together for the rest of the year (2006 that is). If you let us win, we'll trade Bulis to Florida so he can put you on the powerplay more often thereby allowing you to further destroy Auld's save percentage ok?
I do want that meatlog though. Seriously. A boy's gotta snack.
- David Nonis