Canucks Brunch- The Dragonslayer Returns

It's time... - Rich Lam

Gather 'round one and all, and I will tell you a tale of warriors brave. For they are on a quest, and it takes them right into the very pits of hell itself. But fear not, for they are ready to do battle and once again, slay the dragon.

Once upon a time there was a Baron, and he ruled over an his land with an iron fist and a well trimmed mustache. The Baron was eager to raise the chalice offered by King Gary The Oblivious once again, and it looked as though no one would be able to stand in their way. Word quickly spread far and wide that the Baron's army was unstoppable, and many soon found this to be true. Eventually word reached the far off hamlet of Van Coux Vaire. The Captain of the Van Coux Vaire army saw a rider approach and called out "Halt! Who goes there?" The rider stopped and dismounted, "I am Mooney the scribe, and I have come to warn you that the Baron's team, the ones they call the Blackhawks, wish to do you harm!" The Captain's brother, identical in every way apart from being a better shot said "Tell us something that we do not already know. Say, aren't you the same Mooney who's supposed to show favouritism to those Devils from Jersey?" The scribe rolled his eyes and muttered something that sounded like "Damn Yahoo commenters..." before mounting his horse. "Just be ready" he said, "They're ready to try and hurt you again. And watch out for Sir David the Overrated, he likes to trip you and get you on the ground" "That's a slew-foot!" a voice cried out, and out of the shadows stepped the one known as The Dragonslayer.

Back at the Baron's estate, he called his warriors together to draw up their battle plan. "Sir Jonathan the Hilarious, our scribe Rozner the Rotten tells us that those pesky Canucks are planning to launch an attack. How do you plan to stop them?" Sir Jonathan rose and said with a blank expression "First, I'd like to tell a joke. Why did the dragon cross the road?" He paused, as the others waited for the punch line. "He's a dragon" he said eventually "He'll do what he wants and if you don't like it, he'll roast you". The room was silent, until Sir Jonthan raised his eyebrow, and the men laughed as though it were the funniest thing they'd ever heard.

Having warmed the room up with his untouchable comedic stylings, he began to ask his fellow warriors to outline their roles. One by one they detailed how they would fight this battle. There was a pause when called for Sir Daniel the Oaf. "Sir Daniel? Where the hell has he gone?" Sir Jonathan asked. "He's near the gate, Sir Jonathan" said Sir Corey the Five Holed, "he kept saying he wanted to make sure that we didn't get attacked by the man of Glass". Sir Jonathan sighed and shook his head, then called for his right hand man, Sir Kaner the Diminutive. Once again, silence. "Where is Sir Kaner? This is ridiculous" he growled, his face slightly changing scowls. "Oh, forgive me Sir Jonathan" said Sir Patrick the Swarthy "I was over visiting his mother and she gave to me a note for you, saying that he'll be cleaning the barn so he will not be here for the meeting". Sir Jonathan's face stayed stone cold and through gritted teeth he uttered "And just what has he done now? Does he plan to join us in battle?!?!" "Oh yes" said Sir Patrick as he admired himself in the mirror "apparently Sir Kaner got into the mead and roughed up a carriage driver. His mother was not impressed. She did also say he wanted to let you know not to worry, for their last line of defence, the Italian one, he has a parchment on him". Sir Jonathan sighed when he heard the minstrels play a familiar tune "Our victory song? When they have yet to step into the arena of battle?" he said. "Oh yes" said Sir Patrick, "We know that it gets in their head". Sir Jonathan nodded "Does anyone else have anything to add?". Sir Duncan the Vile rose and cried out "LISHEN!! THEESH BASHARDTH NEEDA BE DEESHROYED!! OPFFIDDERE HEADSHHH!!" and raised his mighty elbow in the air menacingly. "For the love of God" Sir Jonathan mumbled, "Can we not find Sir Duncan a dentist?"

The brave Canucks rode day and night, and paused at the top of the hill as they arrived, looking down into the valley of darkness where the Blackhawks reside. The wily Frenchman who would draw up the plans of attack called the men around him and spoke quietly "Now, I want to go over this quickly as we prepare for this epic battle. We've already shown we can stand toe to toe with them, but we want and need this victory to be decisive" he said. "No one believes we can beat them, but with the return of Kesler and Booth the Archer, we can be victorious. They're expecting Roberto, so we'll go with Cory" Mason the Clumsy asked "and why Cory?" to which the Frenchman replied "I always go with what the flip of my gold piece tells me". The men laughed, then focused their attention on the task ahead. The entire nation would be watching this battle. Some because they want the men from Van Coux Vaire to fail. But others would wish them victory as a sign that there might be a weakness, a sign that they are human, these horrid Blackhawks, and that their reign of terror would soon end. "Come on, boys! Time to slay the dragon!" Alexandre called out, and they marched into battle, banners of blue and green blowing in the wind.


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