Dear Canucks Fans,
Dear you pathetic, wretched and meek souls who still haven't gotten over game seven and now have nothing to do with your time but admit quietly to yourself - down deep in your small hearts - that you'll still sell out Rogers the second we snap our Crypt Keeper-like fingers and put the lights back on.
Today, the National Hockey League announced the cancellation of the 2012.13 regular season schedule through October 24th.
That's what my secretary told me, but I couldn't be bothered because I was off on my mid-morning swim before an afternoon of kitten clubbing, botany lessons and foie gras sammiches.
We understand the disappointment this news causes all of us who share a passion for hockey
C'mon you whiners. Did you truly think tossing around $64 million dollar contracts wouldn't cause a problem down the road? If you're shocked by any of this, I have some Vancouver Canucks Stanley Cup champions gear to sell ya. It'll look great with your IKEA home entertainment unit and microwavable low-fat dinners for one.
however, we’re hopeful that a resolution will bring the season underway as soon as possible.
Go ahead and book that trip to your insufferable in-laws in Port Alberni. You won't be missing a thing.
We understand the concerns of our passionate and loyal fans, especially at this time.
Oh totally. We understand this isn't just a sport, it's part of the national zeitgeist, an essential binding agent for our cultural fabric and a uniquely Canadian treasure, one that is inherently part of each and every one of us. That is why our store is still open.
Our commitment to deliver exceptional experiences and reciprocate your unwavering support is stronger than ever.
Let me count on one hand why you aren't going anywhere: One the Giants are not a real replacement for Swedish twins and goalie controversies. Two the Whitecaps suck. Three you're a creature of habit. Four I've got Carrie Underwood chained up in my basement. And finally because hating us is the only thing keeping you from a valid and much-needed examination of your lot in life and how you're wasting precious days/weeks/months/years of your admittedly short time on this planet watching grown men chase a rubber disc around a slicked surface.
Giving back to our community is also of the greatest importance to us.
Yawwn. Where's my sammich?
Recently we had the opportunity to participate in a number of community programs including our annual Jake Milford Charity Golf Tournament, the Raise-a-Reader campaign and a rejuvenation project at Kensington Park Arena.
Here's my personal donation to the Raise-a-Reader thing. Read up well kids and perhaps one day you too can help run a sporting league into the proverbial toilet.
On October 11th, our staff will volunteer with a number of local charities continuing an annual tradition called Live-to-Give Day. We will continue to focus the efforts and talent of our entire staff on supporting the values we hold dear: grassroots hockey, children’s health and wellness, literacy and the ongoing initiatives and outreach that help provide opportunities and assistance in the community in which we live.
Neat isn't it? This whole letter started out kissing your ass and by the end we're kissing our own.
We truly appreciate your patience and loyalty and we look forward to playing in front of you at Rogers Arena once again.
Stop tweeting at me because I'm not listening. Except you smart guy.
President & General Manager
The man who is now using Garrison's salary for rocketcycles because rocketcycles rule.
Before you ask, I certainly don't dislike Mike Gillis nor do I 100% blame the owners in this situation either. This just had to be done on yet another sad day for hockey fans. That's why we're here. Rant on friends.