"How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways..
.. Alright If I Use Your Teeth To Help?"
A "Love" Letter to The Vancouver Canucks from the Chicago Blackhawks.
(Need I add that this is all entirely in jest?)
Hi Canucks. Remember us? Yes, us. We used to be the ones you loved to hate. Remember how we would stare into each other's eyes, each just waiting for the other to blink so we could knee them in the groin? How we used to take long walks by the riverside and shove each other in where all the sharpest rocks were? Evenings spent before a roaring fire while the other one desperately rolled around on the ground? Ah. Those were simple times, so young, so free, so full of mindless searing rage.But that changed, Canucks. oh yes. They came along. Them. They turned your hideous little heads with their swaggering Eastern Sophistication* and fancy ways. We simple, downhome folk just couldn't compete.
Sure, we tried. Heaven knows, we tried once more to crush your hopes and expectations so we could dance on them singing an annoying song by a now-defunct Scottish band, just like the old days. But we came up short.
Six inches short, to be precise. And you told us "it's OK, size doesn't matter, what's a few inches between blood-enemies?" and we wanted to believe you. We believed that we were still at the bottom of your heart.
But you lied to us, Canucks. There you were, for all the world to see, shamelessly trading insults and blows with Them. We hoped and prayed that it would just be an (early) Summer Fling, that you would realise that your loathing and contempt for Them would soon pass, that we were your true Hate. But it didn't stop there. Oh, no. It's gone on and on. And while you were letting them accrue PIMs and hurling abuse back and forth in the media, what were we doing? We were in our bedrooms, The Black Parade on repeat. We even wrote you a poem! A poem! And signed it in our blood (well, purple marker actually BUT IT DIDN'T HAVE ANY GLITTER IN IT!!) That's how much we care, Canucks.
But you ignored us. We tried so hard, even let Bolland out of his cage to try and stir some of that old foul feeling in your stinking breast, but no.
And now here we are.. With a chance to prove to you the depth of our loathing. They are nowhere to be seen and the band is playing our song
So what do you say, Canucks? Take our hand (no, not that one, this one) spit in our eye and let's murmur sour-nothings into each other's ears (we can reattach them later). Let's fan those flames, for old times sake.
You wouldn't want us to get all, well, Emo on you or anything..
Whaddaya say?
* Actual Eastern Sophistication may be smaller than suggested
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We still hate...dislike...you
but not as much as that other kid. You called us names and pushed around for years but we got a little bit of revenge last year and that now we realize you aren’t as nasty as you advertised. You could even say that after playing Boston, we gained a little more respect for you….but not fear.
Lead writer of nothing, commenter on everything.
A reply to a dear, dear enemy:
Hi Blackhawks,
Sorry, this is pretty tough, y’know? I mean… we know you’ve seen us around with that other team. How couldn’t you? It’s been all over everywhere. We’re not trying to keep it from you or anything… It’s just… well… they bring out something in us that you just don’t. A total, unmitigated hatred. It’s different from what we had. Have. Whatever.
We see you flaunting your wares, trying to coax back the malice that there was before. Calling out friends of ours who aren’t around anymore… I mean, come on, what did Raffi ever do you you? Oh right… He only put that inappropriate move on you one time and you still hold it against us? Come on.
And it’s still there, the hate I mean. Once you hate someone, you never truly lose that. We still want to write warnings to the cabbies in town to carry extra change when you come to visit. We still get our backs up when you mention that Bolland guy you love so well… But… gee, this is really hard… things are just different now.
See, we know you do some stuff pretty well. Don’t really like it, and you don’t do it as well as we do, but you’re still ok. That new rival? I could never say something about them like that. It’s too new, too raw. You’re just… comfortable.
I don’t know… maybe we’ll call you up for two visits this spring before sending you home again. Sorry if it sounds like we just want to use you, but we’ve got another date with a… what did you call it? oh right, a “sophisticated” opponent in a few months that you just can’t be a part of. It’s not you, it’s us. We’re just better.
But don’t worry, deep down we’ll always hate you too.
by NS_Cix on Jan 31, 2012 5:54 PM PST reply actions 7 recs
Ha!
well played!…
cue the music…
"Kevin, You can't play Doom Metal while wearing a scarf"
by mightymike D on Jan 31, 2012 6:02 PM PST up reply actions
Damn you, mightymike
I wish I could quit you.
Warm winds blowing, heating blue sky, and a road that goes forever...
It's not you
it’s us.
(haha, awesome job Mike)
"You don’t have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding." - Sugar at The Rumpus
♥Canucks ♥ (and ♥Coyotes♥)
Still in love with Chi town !
Really my hate for the Hawks is sooooo deep ! Dont you fret Chitown there is much blood to be spilled yet! Canucks nation is enamored with Bos at the moment but this will subside, trust me. When we meet in the playoffs again it will be like putting on an old favorite pair of shoes. We miss you Chitown o.O really we do :)
http://www.hockeyontheweb.com/gifs/images/check.gif

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