And Boom Goes the Dynamite (Now with less Nolan)

Using the subtle power of flatulence, Marco Sturm helps direct a puck past Greiss (Photo by Nick Didlick/Getty Images)

Well the weekend is over and the hit Broadway tour "Chicago.....Wolves" is finally over. They had a moderately successful  run, but many critics felt the cast was too young and that it needed a more veteran presence to stabilize the show. Alas, what's done is done, and all we can do now is review what happened and pick it apart and break it down until we can finally pin point the the reason we lost the last two games, and that of course would be because we dressed too many right handers with brown hair. I swear I can find a stat for this with Cam's help. 

With the young guns tour on everyone's mind, most people didn't realize there was another Canucks competition going on, as the Canucks were having their own version of Survivor being held on Sunday. The show, being played on channel 183, the Women's Network 3, is being hailed as "an ok show I guess, filled mostly with awkward moments and smelly hockey gear." One critic called the show "just like 24. Minus Jack Bauer." With such amazing reviews it's hard to tell why exactly the show hasn't taken off, so I feel it is my duty to help promote the show a bit in order to try and get more viewership. So without further ado, I present to you a recap of last Sunday's "Survivor: Canuck Edition"

 

Canucks_survivor_medium

Read all about it after the jump! + Daily News and Links!

This week on Survivor:

The group had just seen Darren Archibald kicked off last week and was still reeling from the discover that Darren had hidden a tiny cache of chocolate bars and hadn't shared them with anybody. 

Oreskovich: Didn't I tell you? Didn't I tell you Darren was holding out on us? I smelt peanut butter on him. 

Jensen: I don't know, I still find it hard to believe.

Oreskovich: The dude is allergic to peanuts! His head blew up to three times the size! 

Hodgson: Alright, let's calm down guys-

Oreskovich: Oh shut it golden boy.

Hodgson: HEY! My father says for you to shut up!

Fedoruk: Mmm. Quiet. Me  need sleep. Fed-Fed need sleep sleep.

Dmitriakos: You know what would solve this? Roasted lamb!

Oreskovich: Stop playing up to your greek stereotype!

Dmitriakos: OPA!

Oreskovich: I swear to god....

Mike Duco: Is it just me, or is Jensen looking really really hot

Hodgson: He needs to work his pecks. They seem to be sagging a bit.

Mike Duco: Speaking of hot, Niko, want to go for a walk....

Owen Nolan: Now now guys, we should focus on the task at hand. This reminds me of 1997, during the All-Star game. I was but  a wee lass at the time, and I was breaking in all alone on Dominek Hask...

Mancari: Enough of this story man! Every day it's "I pointed at the net" this and "I pointed at the net" that. 

Nolan: I'm pretty sure I don't do that-

Mancari: Yesterday you asked me to pass the salt. A) We don't have any freaking salt, we're on an island. B) You just pointed to the distance and stayed like that for 10 minutes until Duco asked what you were doing. Then you started in on your story again

Duco: Hey man, I thought Nolan was hitting on me. Not that I'm complaining as that bikini looks fiiiiiiiiiine on him

Schroeder: I feel my head is too small for my body.

Oreskovich: It does look really off. Like someone did a sloppy photoshop on your head.

Fedoruk: FED FED NEED SLEEP SLEEP AND EAT EAT.

*Fedoruk clubs Niko over the head and begins to eat him*

Oreskovich: GEEZUS! WHAT THE HELL??

Mancari: It's ok, he's just doing his job. Niko took Hodgson spot by the fire. Fedoruk is trained to protect our stars. Assuming he sees it happen. 

Fedoruk: NIKE TASTE LIKE ROSEMARY.

Oreskovich: This is why I quit hockey, crap like this. I want off this island-

Nolan: This island reminds of the time I was coming in all alone on Dominek Hasek. Some said it was impossible to score on him. I said "Nay, impossible is only what you let it"-

Mancari: I swear to god Owen, I will unleash my MANcari bomb on you-

Jensen: Guys, Duco is touching me inappropriately again

Fedoruk: FED FED TIRED. SLEEP NOW.

Oreskovich: God help me.

Hodgson: Sometimes I think I'm too open with the media. I really wish I could learn to shut myself down.

Nolan: Think of the media as Dominek Hasek, and yourself as me, coming in all alone-

Mancari: OWEN!

Mike Duco: Hey Feds, you want some company in that sleeping bag?

Fedoruk: Sleep sleep. But no touch touch.

Duco: What ever happens happens baby! 

Schroeder: Seriously, I'm pretty sure I'm dying, this head size isn't normal.

 

At the end of the episode, it came down to three choices. Dmitriakos was taken off for medical reasons, which made it come down to Mike Duco and Owen Nolan. The Canucks chose to kick off Owen Nolan. Proving once again that old man stories are worse than Mike Duco.

 Nolan_flame_out_medium

 

Vancouver News and Notes:

 

  • Sometimes I think Mike Gillis is really smart. And sometimes I think he twists things to make himself look really smart. With the latest news of injuries, I don't know which one to think. The Canucks, the subject of criticism (shocking, I know) for walking the line with the 8 veterans rule during pre-season, came under a rash of injuries last night. Aaron Rome broke his finger (I will be the bigger man here and not celebrate an injury to Rome), Steve Pinizzotto separated his shoulder, and Nolan was still feeling the effects of a groin strain. Gillis can now point to this and go "Ha ha, this is why I didn't dress my veterans, I don't want to lose them to some young buck trying to make an impression on his team". The thing I can't get out of my head is that Gillis really wanted to look good on this one, so maybe he went to the back with a hammer and "talked" to Aaron Rome. "Put your hand on the table son", "I don't want to!" "Alain says you have to" "ok.". Mike Gillis: Moneyball or Mike Gillis: Hammerball? Read more about the injuries at [Ottawa Citizen]
  • One of Harrison's million writing spots has him asking "When will the veterans play?". I would say more on this article but Harrison has the audacity to make up a Raffi-Rating system, which is pathetic, because you can't compare Raffi to ANYONE and also because if anyone knows Raffi and could make an impossible system like that, it would be me. Frankly, I am disgusted by Mooney. [Vancouver Sun]
  • Kuzma goes over the arrival of Cody Godson and the Sharks victory over the Canucks last night. When asked if last night's victory made up for losing to the Canucks in game 5 of the Western Finals last year, Joe Thornton gave the deadest stare that ever existed. [Montreal Gazette]
  • Want to hear the Canucks break down yet another thing into a boring mathematical formula? "We've realized that the ratio of Cheerios to milk was way to high, so we've brought in a cereal expert to try and balance the Cheerio ratio. We in fact have a Cheerula now, that's a Cheerios formula, that is a team secret, but that we feel will really give our boys and edge." explains Gilman. To hear Gilman talk like this but about pre-season games, go over to [Vancouver Sun]
  • The LA times ran an article that predicts the Sedins will only have 82 points this season and will not finish first in the West, ie the same prediction everyone makes every single year. [LA Times]
  • Ta-Da, T-Drance Dance 3000, Touch My Drance, Thomas Drance has done an article that rubs our faces in the fact we wasted draft picks on Russian players. If this was the cold war this article would be handed out to schools everywhere so we could learn our enemy and understand why you should NEVER DRAFT RUSSIANS. I do enjoy the fact we could have drafted Wellwood instead of one of the Russians, so that shout out alone makes this a good article to read. [Canucks Army]
  • Canucks corner has an article from a couple of days ago covering the notion that the Canucks killed themselves in the Stanley Cup finals. It's an interesting take and even has a response from Cam Cole in it in the comments section. Give it a read at [Canucks Corner]
NHL News and Notes:
  • Hello Todd my old friend, I've come to talk to you again. Todd "Mr. Bo Dangles" Bertuzzi shows off his silky smooth hands in this kick ass shootout goal. Seriously, Todd could have stood over their goalie and stared at him after he scored and the goalie would have to put his head down like a submissive dog due to the high amounts of ownage that just occured.

Todd Bertuzzi AMAZING Shootout Goal vs Chicago Blackhawks September 25th 2011 HD (via SCRJ94)

 

  • This might be the best own goal of all time. Great find by Wyshynski over at Puck Daddy. Seriously, the dude snipes that puck in his own net better than Pavel Bure could have done it. He deserves a healthy dose of the goalie just staring a hole into him. If that was Keith Ballard, he would have taken off his own goalies head after in anger. [Puck Daddy]
  • An amazing ESPN Insider article that explains just how close the Canucks missed Gretzky, AND how the NHL conspired to make the Canucks lose in 1994. Of course I'm kidding, nothing ESPN ever does is worth paying for. And you wonder why Yahoo Sports moved ahead of you ESPN?
  • I have never read Raju Mudhar before, but I like his style. He runs over the latest news in the Sportsnet re-branding and The Score's uncertain situation, as well as gives his thoughts on Moneyball. A great read at [The Star]
  • The Last Gladiators is a movie that was shown at the Toronto International Film Festival that should interest a lot of hockey fans. The movie is about the role of the NHL enforcer and follows the career of Chris "Knuckles" Milan and his time with the Montreal Canadiens. Directed by Oscar winner Alex Gibney, I am looking forward to tracking down a copy of this to give it a viewing. [TIFF]
  • Jets lose! Jets lose! Get used to hearing that over and over again. The Jets lost 4-0 last night, and I am sure perennial tweeter Anthony Stewart had some mind blowing tweet about "Things you shouldn't eat" or "Different BBQ sauces" to celebrate the win. (Seriously, Anthony Stewart is one of the most boring active NHL tweeters). Read more at [Canes Country]
  • Sabres lose 4-1 to the Blue Jackets, but finally, FINALLY Ehrhoff. didn't score. The secret to stopping him from producing? Not having him in the lineup. That was always Ehrhoff's weakness; His inability to score from the press box. I would link you to a blog, but both SBN blogs for the Sabres and Jackets are so weak, they don't have a game recap up. And what happens when this occurs? They get the link to the Yahoo Box Score. We call this THE LINK OF SHAME. [Yahoo Sports LINK OF SHAME]
  • One of the best run blogs aside from our own, Winging it in Motown has you covered for details of their 4-3 win over the hated Chicago Blackhawks. Bertuzzi's goal left them with a mess in their pants, but once they cleaned that up, they pumped out several solid articles to read. Go over and read all their stuff, they currently have an article up about the Carolina Hurricanes, they seriously do a kick ass job over there. [Winging it in Motown]
  • Apparently the Bruins beat the Canadiens but who gives a shit.
  • Giguere, not Varlamov, got the shutout for the Av's as they beat the Stars 3-0. Again, if this was 1999 I would be stoked about these two teams, but it's not, so I give them a quick wave in the hallway, but I'm not holding the elevator door for them. Read about the game at [Mile High Hockey]
  • Jordan "The Devil" Eberle has changed from the days he was known as Jordan "The Saint" Eberle. I fully expect to hate him as he comes into his own in the NHL, and all last second goal heroics against the Canucks will make me want to put a fist through my wall. I will try and hold onto the memory of his heroics against the Russians, but I can't promise I won't start sending hate mail to Jordan in 4 years when he is terrorizing us on a nightly basis. Read about Eberle's great game in the Oils 3-0 victory over the Flames over at [Copper and Blue]
  • Would I love to post a link to Jewels from the Crown about last nights game? You bet I would. But they apparently have gotten hooked up on the Doughty signing and all new articles apparently have to be about all Doughty all the time, so I cannot do this. So instead go to the surprisingly well done Ducks blog Anaheim Calling (How they didn't call this blog something Mighty Ducks related is beyond me. Knucklepuck anyone? Come on people.) that goes over the Ducks 3-1 win over the Kings[Anaheim Calling]
Tweet of the Day:

Twitter__retweets_by_thestanchion_-_google_chrome_2011-09-26_11-19-00_medium

Song of the Day:

The Canucks were rocking "The Whip" as their goal song last night, a song shared by several other teams including the Leafs. I don't care if other teams use it (I think at one point in the 90's it was an NHL rule that Rock and Roll part II had to be your goal song), I am just happy that there is a chance Green Day might be gone as our goal song. What do you think of it? What goal song should we use? Weigh in on the comments!

Locksley - The Whip (via bandoflocksley)




 


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