You Heard it Here First - Canuckles' 2011-2012 Canucks Predictions

1) After a solid pre-Season, Owen Nolan signs for a bargain, plays throughout the line-up and becomes a fixture on the 4th line, and finishes the season with 15 goals. When asked what he thinks his biggest contribution to the team was this year, Nolan explains "I have a lot of experience that the younger guys don't have. So I was able to recommend a quality adult diaper to Lui, and I think it really benefited his concentration and cut down on those embarrassing moments in-game."

2) Without summer or training camp to condition and improve on a disappointing season, Mason Raymond never gets up to speed and can't hold down a spot in the lineup, eventually being moved at the deadline to a team who ultimately grossly over-pays average players, like Florida or the Islanders. Raymond eventually retires, but starts a successful business designing merry-go-rounds.

3) His spot on the second line is taken by the Franchise, who scores 55 points and vies for the Calder trophy. When he doesn't win, Mike Gillis holds a press-conference to "only point out facts" which seem to suggest bias on the part of the Professional Hockey Writer's Association.

4) Roberto Luongo, having all summer to work on his mental conditioning and preparation, projects a more relaxed, zen demeanour and has a decent start to the year (as opposed to borderline awful) on his way to his first ever Vezina trophy. He does not do a happy dance during his acceptance speech, nor does he suggest his form was better than Tim Thomas'. He does, however recite some new lines of poetry.

5) Ryan Kesler has another 70 point year, despite missing summer conditioning, the preseason and the first 5 games of the regular season, leading some commentators to wonder if he is actually a machine sent from the future on some sort of mission. This laughable idea is brushed aside by Kesler's young friend who appears with him everywhere, John Conner. 

6) One of the Sedins win the Art Ross again, narrowly beating out Alex Ovechkin. This leads to Bruce Boudreau to pulling a Kanye West, storming on stage and telling the world that, while the Sedins are great hockey players, Ovie deserves it more.

7) Cory Schneider starts in 25 games and stays with the team at the deadline, fueling speculation at Pension Plan Puppets, the CDC forums and Toronto--based Media that Roberto Luongo will be packed in a trade with Ryan Kesler, both Sedin twins and Jordan Schroeder to the Leafs for a bunch of no-name players and late-draft picks. Members of PPP and the Media are left confused and dejected when the trade doesn't go off as planned at the end of the regular season, forgetting of course that just because the leaf's season always ends in may, doesn't mean everyone else's does too.

8) Keith Ballard scores 55 points, ends the season a +39, but most importantly, nets a big sponsorship deal from the company which makes Pupperonis.

9) Mike Gillis smiles.

10) When the Canucks make the finals for a second time in two years, the entire rest of the Hockey world is left speechless, expecting the team to have to wait another 1-2 decades. When they ultimately win, the same people left speechless turn depressed, having no reason left to mock the team. When the city doesn't riot at the end of the series, these same fans turn suicidal, realizing that everything they know is not as it was; and when Roberto Luongo wins the Conn Smythe trophy, posting 5 shutouts a GAA of less than 2 and a sv% of above 0.950, news outlets are flooded with reports of masses of hockey fans jumping off bridges in Chicago, Calgary, Edmonton and Boston.

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