Why. Dear god why.
I learnt a new term today. And that term is "Phantom Champions". And what does that term mean you ask? Oh, maybe you know it by its more well known name, "Did you feel that? That was me kicking you in the nuts. Or punching you in the boob. Depending upon your gender. Because your team failed in the finals." Ah, yes, THAT term.
I came across the image pictured on the right whilst browsing the internet for NHL lingerie. Why NHL lingerie you ask? Because twitter is an odd beast that makes you attempt to find many things. Plus I think I can pull it off. Wait, where was I....
Yes, I was looking through the internets and came across this Canuck hat. I went through the usual five stages of grief, or course.
Denial: What? The 2011 finals? That season got cancelled. What the hell is this? That seems so odd. This must be a weird mock up of the season we lost. That's nice of them to honor the season that shall not be named.
Anger: WTF. WHY WOULD THIS BE POSTED ON THE INTERNET. THEY SHOULD HAVE BURNT ALL MERCHANDISE. THEY SHOULD HAVE SCRATCHED THE EYES OUT OF ANYONE WHO MADE THIS AND THEN EATEN THEM. GOD DAMNIT. TIM THOMAS I WILL KILL YOU.
Bargaining: We lost last year, hockey gods, so you know, maybe cut us a break this year? Maybe we can re-use these hats, we can just scratch out the 11 and put in a 12. That way we're saving the environment. See? Isn't that noble? We can work with this, right?
Depression: God I hate hockey. Why do I watch hockey. Why do I do this to myself? I know they're going to lose. Every year they're going to lose. I'm pretty sure I'm in some sort of Truman show and this entire world I live in is set up just to watch my soul get crushed every time the Canucks lose. Why do I bother? Might as well release hats that say "World's biggest sucker". That would be more appropriate and would save having to do new hats every year. I feel like Markus Naslund on a penalty shot. I just left my happiness behind at center by accident.
Acceptance: **** that, I'm not accepting this loss.
Ok, I still haven't hit acceptance. But the point is, I am still stuck in the depression stage, and since my eyes were burned by this horrifying image, so must your eyes suffer. I am sorry. It's the law. As a part of Canuck nation, if one person suffers, we all must suffer. So look upon this hat and wish Tim Thomas gets taken out by Ryan Kesler in our regular season match up. Because petty victories are still victories.
For more amusing Phantom Champions (Amusing only if you're not a fan of the teams in question) someone has a Facebook page showcasing some of the past Phantom Champions.