And Boom Goes the Dynamite (Now with more CROSBY CROSBY CROSBY)

Crosby had a hell of a game last night. 4 points after not having played for a year? That's pretty special. Even if it was against the Islanders and their 234th string goalie. The only thing I thought a bit over top was the media coverage of Sidney Crosby. I just felt there wasn't enough of it. If I don't know what Sidney Crosby is thinking at any given moment in any given day, well, I'm just not happy. Here is what I demand the NHL does from now on:

Mic'd up Sidney Crosby underwear: I want to know what Sidney Crosby's balls are doing, and when. I am convinced there is a correlation to how sweaty they are to how much speed he is getting on his slap shot. If his boys are sounding dry, I need to know, because my hockey pool could depend on it.

Sidney Crosby podcasts of him sleeping: Is Sidney getting enough REM sleep? I need to know. Is he whimpering in his sleep because he's dreaming of a world with no Tim Horton's coffee? The world deserves to find out. I want to be able to download and listen to Sidney. Not only will it inform me about his mental status, it will also calm me down, listening to what I can only assume sounds like angels singing.

Sidney Crosby's meal plan available online: If I am to match the stool consistency with Sidney Crosby, something we should all strive for, I need to know what he is eating, and when he is eating. How can I produce regularly on the ice if I am not regularly producing in the bathroom? Did Sidney have some yogurt that day? Did he put in some cinnamon? Or berries? Or is the rumor true and he just drinks Gatorade 24/7 to sustain himself? 

A list of all Sidney Crosby's sexual partners: You can tell a lot about a man by the quality of company he keeps, so I would like to know all of Sidney's romances. If he is making out with Courtney Love on Thursday, I know not to dress him on Friday. I in fact probably know not to dress him for a whole month after that. 

Hopefully we get to see some of these implemented soon. Balls in your court, NHL.

 

Vancouver Canucks News

 

  • On November 20th, I posted this just after Lapierre sent Winchester through the door on the bench: 
The_stanchion__thestanchion__on_twitter_-_google_chrome_2011-11-22_08-52-01_medium
This was meant as a joke. A funny. A laugh. A ha ha. But lo and behold within minutes of posting that, apparently the commentary of "The Canucks open doors" started spreading. Now we have Bruce "I eat my feelings" Garrioch coming out and not accusing the Canucks, because that would require balls he does not have, but just "throwing it out there" that maybe there was intent from Burrows to get that door open. Thomas Drance from CA covers it all very nicely over at [Canucks Army]
  • Mason "Shooter McGavin" Raymond is coming back! Apparently CBC is going to do a 24 documentary on how Sidney Crosby feels about this. [Vancouver Sun]
  • Since it's fun to make up some May Ray Mania, here is a 2nd article on Raymond's return. I mostly posted it because they were "that guy" who just had to use the "Everybody Loves Raymond" tag line. Lazy guys. Real lazy. [Montreal Gazette]
  • Alain Vigneault apparently hates Keith Ballard so much that he scratched him from the medical room and made him practice. [Vancouver Sun]
  • Sami Salo would have played a lot more games if it hadn't been for injuries. Yes. I know. Shocking. [Vancouver Sun]
NHL News:
  • Just in the off chance you haven't heard or read about Crosby's game last night, I randomly chose a review of it for you. [Sports Net]
  • Ovechkin on the other hand sucks. And thus begins the second commentary on the parallel careers of Crosby and Ovechkin. [ESPN] Edit: God damn insider article. Who the hell expects people to pay for this garbage?? Your system is flawed ESPN! FLAWED!
  • Of course when something big happens in hockey, we have to compare it to everything. So here is an article trying to place Crosby's game on the list of best comebacks ever. I was saddened to see "Well at least my mom doesn't work at a gas station" on that list. [CBC.CA]
  • Why do teams hide injuries? Because apparently that would make them targets for the other team. I find this kind of funny that a person can lose their mind and throw a dangerous check and that's bad, but if a player hunts down a guys strained MCL all game, that's all good. [Montreal Gazette]
  • **** me, the Bruins have won 9 straight. [LF Press]
  • Proving that Vancouver just isn't as uniquely crazy as we're made out to be, Toronto is already planning out the 63 goals Kessel will score this year. [The Star]
  • Tom Gaglardi pretends buying the Stars was a lifelong dream and that he isn't really bitter he doesn't own the Canucks. [TSN.CA]

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