And Boom Goes the Dynamite (Now with more missed open nets)

This one doesn't even need a funny caption. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

Can we just get rid of Octobers? Can't we strike or something like the NBA so we don't have to go through this? It seems like an awful lot of needless punishment for Vancouver to have to go through. But barring any last second strikes (Only Eklund would have that kind of news story, though. Too bad he's on an Eastern schedule or else I'd call him on my super secret Eklund Phone. It's a banana.), we are stuck with yet another shitty October.

In Vancouver we kind of get used to this. The usual slow start. The usual slow feeling of panic building in our stomachs. Eventually this panic works it's way up through our stomach and eventually hits our throat. It's when it hits our throat that we become most dangerous, as this is when the crap gets expelled through our mouths. This is when we state Luongo should retire, Hodgson is a bust, and that maybe Aaron Rome was the key to the whole thing. Most of the time the Canucks turn things around, leaving many of us scrambling to pretend we never said anything bad in the first place. "Sturm a bad signing? What? Why I never! I totally called that 20 goal season from him!" we will proclaim later in March. But for now.....for now we deal with the vitriol. And vitriol not just from our fan base, either. We have to deal with the outsiders clamoring for our demise, ready to use any sign of failure as a symbol of our weakness and impending collapse. 

It is with this sentiment that I bring to you TSN.CA comments, a horrifying place for anyone to travel to, but since I love you all so much, I have taken on this task, so that you may experience the utter horror that you narrowly avoid on most TSN articles by not scrolling down to the end of the page. Ladies and Gentleman, bring out the clowns:

 

Edit: I realize Sean did this tonight, but I didn't see that late night article coming. So really, it's his fault for surprising me like that. So damnit, I am still posting TSN comments. Besides, mine are .jpg's, which I believe make them 1000 times cooler. Please don't sue me.

TSN HATES US:

Tsn1

- Scotland has quite the proficiency in math. Anytime I feel the Canucks might have won a cup while I was sleeping, I have ol' Scotland to remind me that they have in fact not won a Stanley Cup. Ever. Not even once.

Tsn2

- Ah yes, October trash talking. The pinnacle of sports entertainment, the one time of the year you finally get to lord every win over your opponent and finally show them who the best team is. In baseball that is. In hockey, well, that's just retarded. If October was so vital, Brian Savage would be in the Hall of Fame by now.

Tsn3

- I hate Byfuglien as much as the next guy. For the exact same reasons most of you do; pure jealousy over the domination he held over the Canucks for two years. And because of this lore of those two years, Byfuglien has this cult following as the be all end all solution for the Canucks Stanley Cup problems. And everything else in life. Need a vital game 7 win? Should have had Byfuglien. Want toughness in the lineup to dominate other teams? Byfuglien. That sink still leaking? I'm sure Byfuglien can fix it. Byfuglien is like Batman, except he is much fatter, and he never comes when we hit the bat signal. Yet some of keep pressing that bat signal button....

Tsn4

- I, too, have always thought Burrows should get hit more. I am outraged when he doesn't just stand still so he can take a vicious check that might put him out for a couple of weeks. Be a man Burrows, just bend over, place your neck against the boards, and let them run you. Enough of this chicken **** "getting out of the way" garbage you keep pulling.

Tsn5 \

- Where to start, where to start. Well first, I am shocked Ian Laperierre is such a bastard for throwing a punch AFTER the ref got in the way in a game he wasn't even a part of. I knew I always hated him for a reason. Secondly, great point about Gillis. Often times I find myself thinking 4 games into the new season "God damn, we really need to fire that GM that is fresh off of a game 7 in the Stanley Cup finals." WHO IS GOING TO HOLD GILLIS ACCOUNTABLE?? WHOM??? WHO??? WHOM???

Tsn5

- Again, fresh off of a game 7 loss in the Stanley Cup finals, and apparently the reason we lost was because of Sundin, Luongo having a C, Sturm, and Steve Bernier. I hated Bernier missing the net as much as the next guy, but if only I had known he cost us the cup as well. Man, I would have so boo'd him.

Tsncomments7_medium

- Score one for the good guys.

Tsn_comments_7_medium

- -17. For telling people that 4 games might not be a great sample size. Anyone who clicked on the minus should probably be beaten with a bat and/or be stripped off all his change and be sent out to be Patrick Kane's taxi driver.

 

Anyways, enough playing with the kids, time for some news!

 

Vancouver Canuck News:

 

  • Iain Macntyre reviews the game and interviews the players. Hint: We Lost. Hint # 2: The players know we lost. Hint # 3: They don't tell us anything magical in their after game quotes. Except Hansen. Hansen tells us how they get the caramilk in the caramilk bars. [Vancouver Sun]
  • Much like magnets refusing to attach themselves to their negative and positive charges, Hodgson apparently isn't allowed to be any good unless the Canucks are sucking. But at least it's a nice change of pace to have people raving about Cody instead of writing his eulogy. So take a read over at the Province for the always delightful Jason Botchford's take on Cody's game last night. Please note Botchford's use of the Triple H moniker. Also Alain Vigneault still hates Cody Hodgson[Vancouver Province]
  • I have never heard of Rant Sports. But such a place exists. And in such a place, they talk about Kesler's spot in the lineup. And what will happen to Coho once KesKes comes back back. I am pretty sure we hand a shotgun to Alain Vigneault, point to Sturm, then turn our back....But just in case you want to read the exact same thing I just said, except in them fancy words, go over to [Rant Sports]
  • Holy lord, Tony Gallagher "Keslers" Bowness with a "buds" . That is epic. I literally laughed out loud on that one. Tony has a great look at the spin job the coaches tried putting on us over the treatment of Keith Ballard last year. Tony nails this one IMO, as it is kind of funny to hear the coaches say that the market wouldn't let a single Keith Ballard mistake go. I don't know which market they speak of, but Ballard mostly had a huge support system in Vancouver. I don't think the fans were crying out for Nolan Baumgartner to be called in from the beach. Well, except Kent. Dude loves him some Baumer. Anyways, read all about it at [The Province]
  • Thank god, DJ Dave might be listening to reason. It looks like the Canucks will be trying out a new goal song on Tuesday against the Rangers. Apparently using a goal song shared with the Leafs wasn't such a popular idea in Vancouver. That's the good news. The bad news? The Canucks need to actually score to hear said goal song. Also, DJ Dave has terrible taste, so don't be surprised if "Who Let the Dogs Out?" is our new goal song. And it was Lapierre. Lapierre let the dogs out. [CDC. YAY CDC. YAY.]
NHL News and Notes:
  • Sheldon Kennedy is the latest NHL'r to take on Don Cherry's anti-ex-fighter rant. I don't think legally I am allowed to make any jokes about Sheldon Kennedy. So read more at Vancouver Sun]
  • ALL FEAR THE SHANAHAMMER. It appears it might be working. Much like squirting your cat with water so it doesn't try and log onto your computer and spend all your money on online poker, players seem to be paying more attention to the types of hit they hand out. [Toronto Star]
  • NHL re-alignment does not appear to have an easy solution. What I picture happening in any meeting about this, are the teams from the East huddled in one corner, while the teams from the West stand in another corner. Anytime a Western team opens their mouth, the Eastern teams soil themselves, cover their ears, and scream rather loudly. As such, I don't see this coming to a conclusion anytime soon, nor do I expect anyone to agree on the final decision. Read Yahoo's take on it at [Yahoo Sports]
  • Damian Cox actually did an ok article. But since I made a promise to never ever link to him, you guys get this instead: Old Spice guy lets us know he can't solve the NBA lockout. 
         

Re: @Aykis16 | Old Spice Mano a Mano (via OldSpice)

 

  • Adam Proteau thinks the answer to the NHL re-alignment is killing off the divisions. I think that is awful. I think we should at least find a nice family somewhere for the divisions. Murder is never the answer. [Hockey News]
  • Barry Melrose called Kris Letang the "best player in the NHL". Read all the joy of the responses to that comment at [HF Boards]
  • Remember 2004 and when the Blue Jackets drafted Lennart Petrell? Neither does anybody else. But he finally made his NHL debut 7 years later! Which my snarkiness aside is a pretty cool story. [Edmonton Journal]
  • Aaron Asham broke Jay "Please don't let this be the only thing I'm known for" Beagle. He landed two punches that KO'd Beagle to the ground. Then Asham did the "Go to Sleep" gesture. Somewhere CM Punk is really pissed off. 

Arron Asham fights Jay Beagle, who pulls out tooth capitals penguins fight asham vs beagle (via sportsonthenet)

 

  • For the people without the ability to YouTube, here is a gif of the fight:
Asham_ko_medium

And to celebrate the HHH line, here is another gif for you:

Please note you have to click on this one to get it to work. Why you ask? I have no idea. Sigh.

Hhh_line_medium

Please note that I chose Hansen as the weakest link and thus did not include him. Because I could only choose two.

Enjoy the gifs!


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