I've been thinking about this recently and I have decided it's time to create some new cliches. Since players won't stop using them and we are sick of them this is the only solution I can come up with that is suitable for all involved. I am going to being with the cliche that is bothering me the most right now.
1. "That's hockey"
I've been hearing this one a lot in the wake of what happened last night. "Well, that's hockey." Of course it's effing hockey. What the @$%& else would it be? I knew it was hockey the whole time. Didn't you? It's like the old cliche, "these things happen" or "shit happens" I know it god damn does. That doesn't make it any easier to take. I know it's hockey and I know shit happens. So when things go bad here's the new cliche.
So welcome to the world: "F*ck!!!"
I am still feeling angry about last night.
2. "Taking it one day at a time"
Nothing really wrong with this one. I mean it is important to take everything in stride and focus on the task at hand, (see what I did there? more cliches) but no one, and I mean NO ONE, lives entirely in the moment. Most of us try to focus on the moment but we also keep an eye on the future as well. We don't want to be surprised. Living in the moment is called "mindfulness" and planning for the future is called, in my opinion, "prudent". So time for a new word for a new cliche.
So welcome to the world the word: Prudmindful
And the cliche: We're just making sure we're being as prudminded as possible."
3. "Keep putting pucks on the net"
This cliche bothers me because it makes absolutely no sense. Put pucks ON the net? How about you put pucks IN the net? Seriously. Am I the only one that thinks putting pucks on the net is a bad idea? It goes hand in hand with another cliche I hate which talks about bodies in front. What is this a game for zombies who pile dead bodies in front of the net? Get bodies to the front of the net? Why don't you get more players to the front of the net? Oh, but look out for a stray bus or Ford F-150, what with the giant need to get traffic to that same place on the ice. So we need a new cliche that doesn't invoke placing pucks on top of the net.
So welcome to the world: "Keep trying to score by propelling the puck into the net anyway you can."
It's a bit wordy but at least it's accurate FFS.
4. "He lit the lamp."
No he didn't. There's actually a guy who does that. He's called a goal judge. It's his job to light the lamp when a goal is scored. The guy who scored the goal? He created a situation where the goal judge was forced to do his job and hit a button to turn on a light. The goal score was the catalyst for a chain of events that caused a light to go on. The apple didn't discover the laws of gravity. Newton did.
So welcome to the world: "He stimulated the goal judge."
It has the added benefit of sounding dirty.
And finally the big one:
5. "You don't want to peak too early"
Or any other variation of "peaking". It's really getting on my tits to hear this one especially as it is being used to somehow brush aside what the Nucks are doing lately. If it was the Leafs? The world would have ended when Toronto imploded in it's own self importance. But since it is Vancouer? Or well they are peaking too early. Does Detroit ever peak too early? Didn't think so. But since a peak is a small area at the top of a mountain I don't feel this cliche is accurate when describing the Canucks. It's not a small sample at this point. It's a large one. A large flat area of winning. The Canucks are a plateau of awesomeness.
So welcome to the world new cliche: "The Canucks are high plaining right now."
A high plain is a synonym for a plateau and it sounds better. Has a more positive connotation to it.