99 Problems (Canucks remix)

Well holy hockey pucks! I come back from a weekend away to find a little lyrical battle going on between Zandberg and Gucci Cowgirl. If you've read NM for a little while you may know that I like to dabble in song/poetry adaptations once in a while, so naturally I felt the need to jump in here - hopefully I am worthy of their fine creative company. Turns out I picked a pretty tough song to adapt, but once I committed there was no turning back! Also, it has A LOT of swearing which I have toned down considerably.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I offer you the Canucks remix of Jay-Z's "99 Problems."

99 Problems

If you're having goal problems I feel bad for ya son,

'Nucks got 99 problems but offense ain't one.

We got the Sedin Twins and their cyc-lin',

Kesler on the PK scorin' em,

Raymond, fast and skilled at stick-handlin',

Nucks are better, stupid, than all of 'em.

If you got holes in your blueline, yo,

We'll be celebratin' every time we're in your zone

We're like, "screw Ron Maclean, you can kiss Burrows' behind"

If you don't like his style then don't press rewind.

Got beef with Salo if he don't score,

Not getting it on done on the PP, though,

He played with a split testicle, you should know,

He's a tough mother****** so shut yo mouth.

I don't know what you take us as,

Don't understand the firepower that these 'Nucks have,

We're from tape to tape and the red light's on,

We got 99 problems but offense ain't one.

Hit me!

99 problems, but offense ain't one.

If you're having goal problems I feel bad for ya son,

We got 99 problems but offense ain't one.

The year is '94, and we're down 3-1,

In the rearview mirror of the mother-****** Flames,

We got two choices, y'all: throw in the towel

Or bounce the devils in 7 by winning 'em all.

Now I ain't trying to see no early tee time,

Plus we got some talent, we can fight these slime.

So we head to OT in Game 5, y'all,

And win on a slapper by Geoff Courtnall.

In Game 6, same story, we're off to OT,

And win on a goal from the man with the ‘C'.

Trevor comes through in the clutch, we're in heaven,

And the stage is set for an epic Game 7.

Down 3-2 late in the game,

We needed to score to douse the Flames.

Greg Adams stepped up with a clutch tying goal,

Making Mike Vernon look like a fool.

All series our ‘O' came through for the team,

But they are bailed out by the save of dreams,

When Mclean gets a pad on a Reichel shot,

The 2-0 breakaway shut down on the spot.

Needing a hero like a light needs a socket,

All eyes turn to the great Russian Rocket.

Bure breaks up the ice, tucks the puck behind Vernon,

Throws his arms in the air as the red light goes on-

The 'Nucks scored goals in 3 straight OTs,

We got 99 problems but offense ain't one.

99 problems, but offense ain't one.

If you're having goal problems I feel bad for ya Habs,

'Nucks got 99 problems but offense ain't one.

Now once upon, not so long ago,

A team like us had to hook and hold.

This is not a hook in the sense of stopping a chance,

But a hook that's from a systematic defensive stance.

We try not to trap, talk to the ref,

Appeal to Bettman, but some fools just love to act deaf.

Now we got better rules,

The game's gone new school,

Offense is king again, offense is cool,

And if ya can't score goals gonna look like a fool.

Just ask the Flames, missed the playoffs this year,

Despite throwing cash at Jay Bouwmeester.

Gotta get with the program, light that red lamp,

Score lots of goals and then you'll be champ.

The 'Nucks got Grabner, we got Burr and Sammy,

In the Twins we got an offensive double whammy.

Our ‘D' is lights out at helping the ‘O',

They just gotta learn to protect their own goal

Gotta sort out our goalie. And our PK? Got none.

'Nucks got 99 problems but offense ain't one.

99 problems, but offense ain't one.

If you're having goal problems I feel bad for ya son,

'Nucks got 99 problems but offense ain't one.

Hit me!

99 problems, but offense ain't one.

If you're having goal problems I feel bad for ya son,

'Nucks got 99 problems but offense ain't one.

Hit me!