The Book of Luongo
by Section 312 on Mar 5, 2010 3:43 PM PST
Email
Print
In honour of Patty Kane, who already has a copy of this book apparently, I thought I would start writing the Book of Luongo. Feel free to add to what I have started as I feel this book should be written in the same co-operative spirit as the Book of Genesis.
001:002 And the ice was without form, and void of lines; and darkness was upon the seats of the rink. And the Spirit of LuonGod moved upon the surface of the ice.
001:003 And LuonGod said, Let there be floodlights, and there was light (about 3-4 minutes later as it takes a while for floodlights to warmup)
001:004 And LuonGod saw the light, that is was even (no one likes pesky shadows); and LuonGod divided the light for the ice from the light for the seats
001:005 And LuonGod called the light gametime and the dark pre-game nap. And the nap and the gametime were the first day
001:006 And LuonGod said, let there be lines on the floor that will appear in the midst of the ice, and let it divide the zones from the zones (he could have been more specific here but he doesn't have to he is LuonGod)
001:007 And LuonGod made the boards, and divided the crowd from the ice by the boards and the glass which was above the boards, and it was so
001:008 And LuonGod called the seats stands (why? No one knows why a bunch of places to sit is called stands it makes no sense but don't question LuonGod) and the nap and the gametime were the second day
001:009 And LuonGod said let the people under the heaven be gathered together in one place, and let them watch me perform, and it was so
001:010 And LuonGod called the dry land, training, and the gathering of the people together he called a crowd, and LuonGod saw that it was good (even if he says so himself)
001:011 And LuonGod said, Let the rink bring forth other players, gathered from all over but the Canadians yielding the best players because their seed is better than others, onto the ice and it was so
001:012 And the rink did bring forth other players, gathered from all over but the Canadians yielding the best players because their seed is better than others, onto the ice and LuonGod saw that it was good
001:013 And the nap and the gametime were the third day
001:014 And LuonGod said let there be jerseys on the players of the ice, to divide one team from the other, and let them be for home and away, for seasons and for years (Unless your the Canucks then change your uniform every 3-4 years)
001:015 And let there be a scoreboard in the heavens, to separate the scores of the two teams, and it was so
001:016 And LuonGod made two great days, the Hockey Day for the Canadians, and the Winter Classic for the Americans, he made the Dallas Stars also
001:017 And LuonGod created the games in the winter to bring warmth to the cold of the North
001:018 And somehow when he wasn't looking Bettman to rule over the teams, and to divide the fans from the owners, and it wasn't good (everyone makes a mistake now and then)
001:019 And the nap and the gametime were the fourth day
001:020 And LuonGod said, let the games bring forth abundantly the people of the Earth, even if they have to fly above the earth to make the games
001:021 And LuonGod created the draft, and every young player tried to get selected, which brought forth the agent, after their money, and as a player LuonGod let the agents live, and saw that it was good (for the players)
001:022 And LuonGod blessed them, saying, score plenty, and fight, and fill the stands with more crowds, and let the people be entertained
001:023 And the nap and the gametime were the fifth day
13 comments
|
3 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
002:001 Thus the Arena and the Ice were finished, and all the host of them.
002:002 And on the seventh day LuonGod ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made, and so Raycroft did fill in for LuonGod, and did so with a surprising degree of competence.
by Passive Voice on Mar 5, 2010 4:11 PM PST reply actions 1 recs
002:003 And LuonGod blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which LuonGod created and made.
002:004 These are the generations of the Arena and of the Ice when they were created, in the day that the LORD LuonGod made the Arena and the Ice,
002:005 And every beer of the concession stand before it was poured, and the Ice of the Arena before it was smooth: for the LORD LuonGod had not created a Zamboni, and there was not a Filipino immigrant to tend the concession for an unfathomably low wage.
by Passive Voice on Mar 5, 2010 4:23 PM PST up reply actions 1 recs
002:006 But there went up a door at the side of the Arena, and LuonGod bade a Zamboni emerge, and an Olympia did emerge, and LuonGod thought it adequate, and the Olympia resurfaced the whole face of the Ice.
by Passive Voice on Mar 5, 2010 4:26 PM PST up reply actions 1 recs
002:007 And the LORD LuonGod formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
002:008 And the LORD LuonGod planted a garden eastward in swEden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.
002:009 And out of the ground made the LORD LuonGod to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
002:010 And the LORD LuonGod took the man, and put him into the garden of swEden to dress it and to keep it.
002:011 And the LORD LuonGod commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
002:012 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
002:013 And the man, whose name was Henrik, asked of the LORD LuonGod, May I eat of the meatball tree?
002:014 And the LORD LuonGod said, Yes, sure, thou mayest go wild on the meatball tree.
002:015 And the man Henrik ran to the meatball tree and consumed many, many stones’ worth of meatballs, and LuonGod knew he had created a bit of a freak-man.
002:016 And the LORD LuonGod said, Weird freak man though he may be, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
002:017 And out of the ground the LORD LuonGod formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air, and whatever it is that Dustin Byfuglien is; and brought them unto Henrik to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Henrik called every living creature, that was the name thereof,
002:018 But the LORD LuonGod had to step in after awhile because Henrik kept trying to name creatures childish things: for instance, he labelled dog “doggy”, then labelled wolf “big doggy”, then labelled bear “mean big doggy”, then labelled seal “sea doggy”, then labelled giraffe “funny doggy”, then labelled howler monkey “yelly doggy”, and when Henrik labelled hamster “meatball doggy”, LuonGod became greatly aggravated.
002:019 And then Henrik had to take a nap because his tummy was hurty because of all the meatballs.
002:020 And upon Henrik waking, LuonGod gave him one more chance to name the creatures, but gave up for good when Henrik spent most of his time trying to get duck to hump beaver and create platypus.
by Passive Voice on Mar 5, 2010 5:10 PM PST up reply actions 1 recs
002:021 And the LORD LuonGod caused a deep sleep to fall upon Henrik, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
002:022 And the rib, which the LORD LuonGod had taken from man, made he an identical man, and brought him unto the first man.
002:023 And Henrik said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: he shall be called “Henrik-doggy”, and LuonGod said, “Uhh…how about ‘Daniel?’”
002:024 But Henrik had already become distracted and had run to the river and had tried to swim, and was quickly drowning; and LuonGod muttered under his breath but chose to save him; and upon looking up from saving Henrik, LuonGod saw that Daniel was now also drowning in about 15 inches of water; and LuonGod invented the facepalm.
002:025 And they were both naked, Henrik and Daniel, even though LuonGod had pleaded with them at length to please cover up those pasty bodies, and they were not ashamed, although many Calgary Flames fans mocked them viciously for it;
002:026 But in their hearts, these Flames fans knew that they would love to have Henrik and Daniel on their goal-challenged team any day.
by Passive Voice on Mar 5, 2010 5:23 PM PST up reply actions 1 recs
Yeah
Luongod fell to earth tonight
Everybody knows
That the world is full of stupid people
Well I got the pistols so I'll keep the Pesos
Yeah that seems fair
but we must confront adversity to achieve true happiness.
Official Ambassador for Nucks Misconduct.
Canadian beer is better than Miller, but I only like my vodka.
GO CANUCKS GO!
Feel free to worship somewhere else my friend.
"We love them, We mourn for them, Unlucky boys of Red" - Morrissey
"Giggs gets past Viera, past Dixon, who comes back at him, it's a wonderful run from GIGGS!!!" - Martin Tyler
"He's got a man deep..wait, no that IS Mandeep!!" - Don Taylor
by Section 312 on Mar 6, 2010 2:04 AM PST up reply actions
And the Blackhawks said..
let there be Raycroft.. and let the Hawks still win
by Killion on Mar 6, 2010 1:58 AM PST reply actions 1 recs
I’m going to let you get away with that cause your a Cubs fan…but just this once.
"We love them, We mourn for them, Unlucky boys of Red" - Morrissey
"Giggs gets past Viera, past Dixon, who comes back at him, it's a wonderful run from GIGGS!!!" - Martin Tyler
"He's got a man deep..wait, no that IS Mandeep!!" - Don Taylor
by Section 312 on Mar 6, 2010 2:03 AM PST up reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Recommended FanPosts
Recent FanPosts
Nucks Misconduct Store
Your clothing sucks. Go fix it.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
