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Wednesday Morning Coffee- How to spot a double agent

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via images.bcdb.com

The following article is parody and a comedic look at recent events.  It is not to be taken seriously.

As Team Canada prepares to take on the Russians after handily dispatching the German's 8-2 yesterday afternoon, the suspicions some had appear to have been warranted: There are double agents in Canada!  Not to worry though, Communism might be dead, but the Red Menace is still very real.  With the help of a US Army training manual I found, we can teach you how to spot one of these insidious turncoats.  More after the jump...

Star-divide

The whole point behind a double agent is that they blend in, and then they work behind the scenes to achieve their diabolical goals.  The manual states "If there is no fool-proof system in spotting a Communist, there are, fortunately, indications that may give him away. These indications are often subtle but always present, for the Communist, by reason of his "faith" must act and talk along certain lines. While a … preference for long sentences is common to most Communist writing, a distinct vocabulary provides the... more easily recognized feature of the "Communist Language." Even a superficial reading of an article written by a Communist or a conversation with one will probably reveal the use of some of the following expressions: integrative thinking, vanguard, comrade, hootenanny, chauvinism, book-burning, syncretistic faith, bourgeois-nationalism, jingoism, colonialism, hooliganism, ruling class, progressive, demagogy, dialectical, witch-hunt, reactionary, exploitation, oppressive, materialist."

Interesting... but maybe not strong enough of a case.  The manual provides a checklist for you with 3 simple questions, so that you may apply these to the person you think might be working for 'the other side', and I have altered them slightly to fit the context better:

  • Does the individual use unusual language?
  • Does he stubbornly cling to ideals without being willing to question them?
  • Does he condemn our Canadian institutions and praise those of other countries?

While Mr. Cox may not actually be working for another team, his allegiance to his goaltender of choice certainly appears to suggest that he would be pleased if Canada lost, thus vindicating him. 

Sure this article may not be the most serious one in the world, I just felt the need to take the piss out of a journalist who has done nothing but bring it on himself, spreading seeds of doubt that continue this morning.

I would like to thank Trevor at Internet Trashcan, from whom I stole many of the links used here.  But please go and read his article on the whole affair, as it's written so much better than this one, likely due to his number of concussions suffered over the years being a much smaller one than this writer's.

I like my Rye bread from Winnipeg, thank you...

All kidding aside, I think there are some silver linings to today's game.  Sure we wanted to see this as a gold medal final, but this will still be a hell of a game.  The Russians have some incredible talent, of that there is no doubt.  But can anyone honestly say they wouldn't be pointing out what an average tournament Alexander Ovechkin is having if he didn't try and physically go through Jaromir Jagr the other day? 

Much is being made of the pressure on Team Canada to win Gold at home, but how about the Russians?  If anyone thinks they're not looking at this as redemption for 1972  and every other time we defeated them since, they're wrong.  This team was put together to win Gold here so they could do that, and be the defending champions when the world comes to Sochi in 2014.  There is a ton of pressure for them to show up the Canadians, though this time, with the NHL's rock star leading the way, it's the Russians who come across as a tad arrogant.  Funny how times change.

Last night's game had some really good signs for Team Canada.  The line of Crosby, Iginla and Eric Staal looked like they might actually gel, Staal finishing the game with 3 assists, Iginla a pair of goals and Crosby with one.  Shea Weber added to his fan club with an Al MacInnis-like slap shot that tore through the net so hard it barely moved.  That goal really seemed to spark the Canadians who were battling against a German team determined to try and trap the Canadians as best they could, what other way could they keep it close?

3 notable goals last night, from 3 people who have been asked to step up their games, too.  Rick Nash finally got the Olympic monkey off his back, as did Joe Thornton and in the shocker of the night, a beautiful breakaway goal by Canada's elder statesman, Scott Niedermeyer.  Some would say that Luongo should have shut out the Germans, but let's face it, those kinds of goals are going to happen to any goalie.  He was steady in spite of long gaps with no action and seemed confident and focused.

The Russians will throw everything they have at Canada tonight.  It means the end of the tournament for the loser.  A look at how some of this high powered Russian offense has fared against Luongo shows that only 3 players on their roster have scored against him: Pavel Datsyuk (2 goals), Evgeni Malkin, and Alexander Semin, for a total of 4 goals.  Luongo is 10-1 in his career against Ovechkin.  Canada will win because even as shaky as they have been at times, they are still much better defensively than the Russians.  Even as bad as Chris Pronger has played, I will still take him on the back line over Andrei Markov

It's going to be a battle for sure.  Two high powered offensive teams, going toe to toe.  The two top players in the game meeting in a match that's been anticipated for years now.  One will continue the pursuit of glory, one will go home and try and figure out what went wrong.  I can feel a Canadian win today.  Not because of any one player, but because this team is better.  This country is better.  It's our game, and we do it better than anyone else.

Game day thread here and at the main SB Nation site as always, plus our daily Olympic open thread.  What are you waiting for?  Go get your snacks and beer... you won't want to miss a minute of this one.  Roberto Luongo and Team Canada, this is just another step on the road.  Make the most of it.  The nation is behind you!

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This game is just as important as gold, since a win will prevent a potential embarrassment. The embarrassment being that Canada may finish seventh in the tournament, if they lose tonight. A seventh place would be a disaster for Babcock, Yzerman and Luongo as well. Which is more important: to gain glory or to fend off the pain of embarrassment? I think they are equally important, in fact people tend to avoid pain more often than go for pleasure.

Talking about pressure: Luongo needs not only to worry about his own reputation, but also about Babcock’s as well, since Babcock sacrificed the darling of the East Coast, for a Left Coaster. If it doesn’t work out, he will never hear the end of it, for the rest of his life. So, Lu has to worry about that as well.

The stakes are high indeed.

Los Angeles, CA

by AttilaS on Feb 24, 2010 10:46 AM PST reply actions  

High stakes indeed, but I think they will rise to the occasion. His stats against Russian players, his international play record and the fact that this is his rink all bode well for Luongo and Team Canada. The Russians have been avoiding the media at times, and been moody, shouting, swearing and walking away from reporters. Interesting how not much has been said about this. It shows the pressure this team is under. I think there’s not a lot of chemistry with the Russians, it certainly showed in the Slovakia game. They will crack…
http://alexovetjkin.blogspot.com/ Check out the article near the bottom called ‘Russian Media Complains Too’ worth a look…

http://waachcast.blogspot.com/ < WAACHCast Blog

by canucklehead666 on Feb 24, 2010 10:56 AM PST reply actions  

I believe the same, no f*ing way that they will lose to the Russians.It would be just plain wrong.

Los Angeles, CA

by AttilaS on Feb 24, 2010 11:11 AM PST reply actions  

It would be wrong, but I’m not going to undermine the Russians. It’s wacky….this could be the toughest challenge of the tournament for Canada.

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 12:06 PM PST reply actions  

Looks likely to be defending champs Sweden next, then maybe USA again… so there’s no more easy ones.

by Beantown Canuck on Feb 24, 2010 12:22 PM PST up reply actions  

ahem...

Americans need to get by the Swiss first, and they have their hands full right now. Imagine that, the Swiss are actually playing harder than they did the first time they played them…

http://waachcast.blogspot.com/ < WAACHCast Blog

by canucklehead666 on Feb 24, 2010 12:23 PM PST up reply actions  

Yeah, the Swiss are crashing and banging the yanks around. Love it.

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 12:31 PM PST up reply actions  

Oh wow. Johnson just saved America’s ass on that 3 on 1..

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:14 PM PST up reply actions  

There’s a hockey game today?

'Nucks Misconduct - Housing Swedish Millionaires Since 2000.

by Yankee Canuck on Feb 24, 2010 12:27 PM PST reply actions  

haha, it’s hockey day on Wednesday!

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 12:31 PM PST up reply actions  

I have time for this hockey thing. I’m too busy watching curling….mmmm….go team russia…

'Nucks Misconduct - Housing Swedish Millionaires Since 2000.

by Yankee Canuck on Feb 24, 2010 1:03 PM PST up reply actions  

ah, that’s the girls everyone was talking about.

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:07 PM PST up reply actions  

well I can see you got your priorities straight!

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:07 PM PST up reply actions  

I won’t post the link, but the Danish curling chick has posed nude. What’s Danish for “alllllright”?

'Nucks Misconduct - Housing Swedish Millionaires Since 2000.

by Yankee Canuck on Feb 24, 2010 1:15 PM PST up reply actions  

This is Canada. There should be hockey all day, every day.

Please allow me to adjust my pants, so that I may dance the good time dance, and lead the onlookers and innocent bystanders into a trance.

by Smoboy41 on Feb 24, 2010 12:47 PM PST up reply actions  

Is it bad that I’m watching the USA-Swiss game streaming online while at work?

by Beantown Canuck on Feb 24, 2010 1:16 PM PST reply actions  

No. Isn’t everybody else in your office?

Please allow me to adjust my pants, so that I may dance the good time dance, and lead the onlookers and innocent bystanders into a trance.

by Smoboy41 on Feb 24, 2010 1:42 PM PST up reply actions  

Holy shit! What a hit by the Swiss player!

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:16 PM PST reply actions  

it looked somewhat accidental, though

by Beantown Canuck on Feb 24, 2010 1:17 PM PST up reply actions  

The Swiss player says," Is that Heidi enough for ya!"

I know, it’s weak.

Please allow me to adjust my pants, so that I may dance the good time dance, and lead the onlookers and innocent bystanders into a trance.

by Smoboy41 on Feb 24, 2010 1:43 PM PST up reply actions  

That’s an old school hip check.

by marcness52 on Feb 24, 2010 2:47 PM PST up reply actions  

This game reeks of a 1-0 shootout win for somebody

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:22 PM PST reply actions  

It is beginning to smell a little like Almonds….which is not good.

"We love them, We mourn for them, Unlucky boys of Red" - Morrissey
"Giggs gets past Viera, past Dixon, who comes back at him, it's a wonderful run from GIGGS!!!" - Martin Tyler
"He's got a man deep..wait, no that IS Mandeep!!" - Don Taylor

by Section 312 on Feb 24, 2010 1:27 PM PST up reply actions  

USA should decline penalties. They’ve been far better during 5-on-5 than on the PP.

by Beantown Canuck on Feb 24, 2010 1:24 PM PST reply actions  

WOOOT NO GOAL!!! Lol…what a dumb ass move by hiller…remembrance of a certain other baseball swing.

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:25 PM PST reply actions  

They didnt count it…hilarious. Go SWISS!!!!

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:26 PM PST up reply actions  

why is that no goal? high stick by Hiller?

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:27 PM PST up reply actions  

the period expired? ahahahaha!!

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:27 PM PST up reply actions  

it would have been a keslord goal, though, I believe

by Beantown Canuck on Feb 24, 2010 1:28 PM PST reply actions  

you bet, he shot it in front from the corner

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:28 PM PST up reply actions  

You know what? I’ll take Kes losing out on a point if it means the swiss upset the americans today. Nothing against the USA, but some of the comments I saw in various message boards and article comment threads after they beat Canada just made me hope their hockey team got embarassed purely for karmic reasons. Canadian fans were all like “good game, u beat us fair and square cuz our goalie let us down a bit” and American fans were all like “hahaha you arrogant pricks, you suck”…which was ironic, really… Plus I’d much rather meet the Swiss or the Fins in the finals than the Fins or the Americans, if we get past russia and sweden, which I believe we can.

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:32 PM PST up reply actions  

You must have been looking in different places than i was, we had several canadians come onto the USA hockey board on facebook and bring up pre 1960 olympic history.

Thankfully i responded in kind by asking them things i heard on “talking to americans” that i knew were blatantly false.

by The Canuck Fan on Feb 24, 2010 1:39 PM PST up reply actions  

Yeah, I was talking about articles on yahoo sports etc. with comment boxes. One had like 500 comments, most of which consisted of “You canadians think you know it all, but we just beat you, you must be embarassed, and why do you hate us?” followed by “uh…yeah, good game, nhl team vs nhl team, and who ever said we hate you?”

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:42 PM PST up reply actions  

"talking to americans"

i love it, hilarious stuff there!

Official Ambassador for Nucks Misconduct.
GO CANUCKS GO!

by missy on Feb 24, 2010 2:55 PM PST up reply actions  

wow that end of the period sequence was stunning. would of been such a heart breaker for the swiss & hiller to have let a goal in like that

full credit to the swiss, this game is epic

by jozsef on Feb 24, 2010 1:37 PM PST reply actions  

OH HEY GUYS

Whats it like being able to watch the game on your “televisions” “live”.

I’m goign old school listening on the radio. Wait did LT get released or is he retiring….. he’s crying at the podium. sorry for the topic jack, i’ve got ESPNEWS goin at the same time. Oh, he got released

BOO-SA! Controlling play but no goals. DAMN YOU HILLER. DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

by The Canuck Fan on Feb 24, 2010 1:37 PM PST reply actions  

Please don’t make any more predictions… ;)

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:44 PM PST up reply actions  

you clearly did not see what i did there.

my prediction was wrong, so i’m predicting another wrong score.

by The Canuck Fan on Feb 24, 2010 1:45 PM PST up reply actions  

I saw it, but chose not to jinx it by commenting…

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:47 PM PST up reply actions  

Heh now you know how Canada felt the other night.

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:44 PM PST up reply actions  

Awww that sucks. HAUPTE SUISSE!!!! Would love to see this go to extra time.

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:43 PM PST reply actions  

this game is very strange

by jozsef on Feb 24, 2010 1:47 PM PST reply actions  

That has to be a Swiss goal..
Better be….or it’s 2-0 USA

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:47 PM PST reply actions  

no sir

Kesler takes a penalty (listening on radio so i don’t know where) and the goal is negated.

by The Canuck Fan on Feb 24, 2010 1:48 PM PST up reply actions  

and the Swiss shot hit the post! So close!

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:49 PM PST up reply actions  

You’re a magician with those screen captures, Sean.

Please allow me to adjust my pants, so that I may dance the good time dance, and lead the onlookers and innocent bystanders into a trance.

by Smoboy41 on Feb 24, 2010 1:52 PM PST up reply actions  

Euro officials, or real ones?

Please allow me to adjust my pants, so that I may dance the good time dance, and lead the onlookers and innocent bystanders into a trance.

by Smoboy41 on Feb 24, 2010 1:48 PM PST reply actions  

the things i would do...

to hear Rusanowsky and Jamie Baker calling this game……

by The Canuck Fan on Feb 24, 2010 1:50 PM PST reply actions  

Man that was an exciting power play…holy cow can’t imagine what the semi’s and final’s are gonna be like if this is how the quarters go…maybe i won’t sell my tix for tonites sweden/slovakia game.

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:51 PM PST reply actions  

here's an idea

sell one, especially if you can get more than you paid for one.

by The Canuck Fan on Feb 24, 2010 1:52 PM PST up reply actions  

Heh, no gotta sell both or neither, lest I royally piss someone off… anyone want em? 550 for the pair…

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:54 PM PST up reply actions  

who would you piss off?

by The Canuck Fan on Feb 24, 2010 1:54 PM PST up reply actions  

My ebay business partner, who also has a stake…we made an agreement that we both go or niether go.

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:59 PM PST up reply actions  

Kesler has been a thorn in Hiller’s side today…pestering him when he plays the puck

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 1:55 PM PST reply actions  

In Canucks-related news,

Bieksa skatign with the group per the Vancouver canucks Twitter. I also see it on the right side column on this page.

by The Canuck Fan on Feb 24, 2010 1:55 PM PST reply actions  

Sweet…maybe we can trade him now!

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 1:56 PM PST up reply actions  

I’m starting to lose faith in the swiss’s ability to pull it out here… :(

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 2:06 PM PST reply actions  

Not much O on that team. Makes me wonder why they didn;t include Nino Niederiter(sp?) on the team. He’s having a great season in the Dub.

Please allow me to adjust my pants, so that I may dance the good time dance, and lead the onlookers and innocent bystanders into a trance.

by Smoboy41 on Feb 24, 2010 2:09 PM PST up reply actions  

Man, the excitement!

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 2:13 PM PST reply actions  

comeon.....

come on………….YEAAAAAAH BUDDDDYYYYYY

by The Canuck Fan on Feb 24, 2010 2:14 PM PST reply actions  

Awwwww crap. GG tho.

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 2:14 PM PST reply actions  

Anybody else notice we got two update threads going at the same time?

Please allow me to adjust my pants, so that I may dance the good time dance, and lead the onlookers and innocent bystanders into a trance.

by Smoboy41 on Feb 24, 2010 2:20 PM PST reply actions  

The cool kids were all on this one, cuz it had naked danes…

by GAHHHHH! on Feb 24, 2010 2:23 PM PST up reply actions  

???

Please allow me to adjust my pants, so that I may dance the good time dance, and lead the onlookers and innocent bystanders into a trance.

by Smoboy41 on Feb 24, 2010 2:30 PM PST up reply actions  

Better than that boobie picture, and I don’t even need to check it to make sure.

"I was thinking it would be cool to see a game on the road. I have been looking all over this atlas but I don't see Vancouver anywhere. What state is this sh*t in!?"

- Dallas Stars Forum

by eightyseven on Feb 24, 2010 3:26 PM PST up reply actions  

i just got over here and noticed it…. bound to happen on hockey days…..

Official Ambassador for Nucks Misconduct.
GO CANUCKS GO!

by missy on Feb 24, 2010 2:25 PM PST up reply actions  

great game. looking forward to lots more of that on quarterfinal wednesday!

by jozsef on Feb 24, 2010 2:21 PM PST reply actions  

yes. Hockey talk had started here, so I stayed here

by Sean Zandberg on Feb 24, 2010 2:21 PM PST reply actions  

HUGHES GETS BRONZE!

great way to end her olympic career!

Official Ambassador for Nucks Misconduct.
GO CANUCKS GO!

by missy on Feb 24, 2010 2:36 PM PST reply actions  

Too bad it couldn’t be Gold…

Poutine & Meatballs

by cyxj on Feb 24, 2010 2:41 PM PST up reply actions  

so much hype on ctv leading up to the canada russia game

gonna be a crazy game

by jozsef on Feb 24, 2010 3:37 PM PST reply actions  

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