Handicapping A Soulless Playoffs, Round One

I got no dogs in the hunt and I dislike, on multiple levels, at least half of the teams running for the Cup. Awesome times for Canuck fans. (10:45 PM ET - Tits, we are officially in the bottom third of the league. And clearly our drafting skills have never let us down before. Puke.) Anyway, let's go...

EAST

Montreal V Boston
What will happen: Bruins are down on some skill guys (Savard for instance) and the Habs are on a roll already. They'll take this in six and continue their awesome run.
What should happen: After the Habs win in four, Kovalev will give every Bruin a copy of his Skills DVD. The next day they'll all go on Ebay but the appreciation level will be there.
Clutch Guys: Price, Kovalev, Plekanec

Pittsburgh V Ottawa
What will happen: The Pens will toy with whatever goalie the Sens throw at them. Each game will have a minimum of seven combined goals, but the Pens have the kids firing on all cylinders and advance for the first time in, well, forever.
What should happen: The Senators, sensing a downtrodden Vancouver city needs something to believe in besides their own doom and gloom reality, beat the Pens in four straight and send Gary Bettman a sympathy card for ruining the league's post season financial forecast.
Clutch Guys: Malkin, Crosby, Spezza, Heatley

Washington V Philadelphia
What will happen: Each team takes turns beating the shit out the other. Philly finally understands why everyone hates Matt Cooke. This series goes seven games with the Caps eeking out the final victory to keep their dark horse season alive.
What should happen: The Flyers get embarrassed four straight, Biron gets pulled in each game and the team goes back to being one of the worst teams in the league next year.
Clutch Guys: Ovechkin, Backstrom, Richards

New Jersey V New York
What will happen: This will be the tightest game in the conference and will go the distance. Brodeur remembers how to shut down the high powered Rangers in a clutch game seven and NJ moves on.
What should happen: Someone makes Gomez eat the blade of his own stick, the Rangers get mugged outside the Rock and they lose four straight to the Devils. Again.
Clutch Guys: Jagr, Parise, Brodeur

WEST

Detroit V Nashville
What will happen: Detroit takes this in four. Maybe five if they get bored.
What should happen: Detroit takes it in seven and the Preds scare the shit out of them starting immediately in game one. Lidstrom cloutiers Ellis somewhere in the middle of game four and it's a slow road to hell after that.
Clutch Guys: Lidstrom, Zetterberg

San Jose V Calgary
What will happen: Iginla/Campbell & Thornton/Phaneuf provide the absolute best fights in the post season in decades. But San Jose exploits every Flame mistake and takes this series without really breaking a sweat in six.
What should happen: Sharks win in four, running the table 7-1 in each game. Keenan's head explodes and he eats a 1/3 of Huselius in response.
Clutch Guys: Thornton, Campbell, Nabakov

Minnesota V Colorado
What will happen: A close series, the Wild find their spine in game seven, realize how to shut down the top lines of the Avs and advance to the second round.
What should happen: In an NHL first exploiting an unknown loophole in the NHL rulebook, both teams lose. Forsberg goes back to Sweden for new shoes. Foote retires.
Clutch Guys: Stastny, Pierre-Marc Bouchard, Backstrom

Dallas V Anaheim
What will happen: Turco realizes the Ducks aren't the Canucks of last year and gets shelled in at least three games. The Stars make an effort of it, but the defending champs take it in five.
What should happen: With a great, deep scream the ice cracks opens and both teams plummet to the center of the Earth, never to be seen again. Bettman suspends Pronger for stomping on Hagman as he fell.
Clutch Guys: Giguere, Perry, Ribeiro

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